I AM A FAG V

Well, after neigh wins (get it? nay? no? 'neigh'? horse noise? oh shit let me just give myself a farking medal for that pun) on the Cup today, I find myself in serious need of umm a bit of exercise?fresh air?a long piece of noosed rope? um no believe it or not, a cigarette. wow. Right out of left field that one...

Let me set the scene-
TAB. Kenmore Tavern. Rozzle. Beside me nursing a $50.50 winning slip. Me. Suicidal. Deep within the blackhole-esque vortex of depression. Close to tears. In Debt to ANZ $40. Thinking "ok break the window and plunge a large sharp shard of glass into my heart? Barge myself head-first into the TAB counter? Make a mad dash and throw myself before the 444 on Moggill rd? Or the worse imaginable suicide ever-A grangus/mangus/fangus feast at McDonalds?"

But no. I fought off the intense urge to decapitate myself with my in-debted credit card and almost contained my disappointment.
"Rozzle I'm going for a fag"....and in my ear, a smug voice of a (thank god) stranger says "cigarettes are bad for you, you know?" Hardy ha ha. Just then my suicidal thoughts temporarily turned murderous. Once again, and self-kudos for this, I resisted. Powered on if you like.

Talk about rambling...
ANYHOW, the transition back onto topic- Benson and Hedges Smooth.

Now the Grates say 'lies are much more fun' but i'll be truthful- B&H smooths were my victims previous to the last two reviews. However i simply overlooked them. So i'll rate those brutes now.

Initially, i'm literally in awe at their packaging. Crisp. Pristine. Insert additional synonyms here. Simply put, they look pretty. Gold makes me feel glamorous, sought after, blessed with many a wonderful material posessions, like Rose Porteous and her mansionfull of shoes. errrrr. Gold makes me think of Goldfinger. Goldfinger makes me think Bond. Bond makes me think Daniel Craig. And it all gets very explicit from here on.

The shrink wrap is purely disasterous. Flimsy. The kind of thin plastic film that becomes static and sticks to you and makes you all too flustered really. The position of the pull tab is just gay. Though when you battle past this, you again are able to marvel at the pack. mmm.

Inside, the cigarettes take form. No complaints about the foil. Nothing commendable or unique about the design of the cigarettes themselves.
First drag-Not bad....my expectations were low. All the B&H smokers i've ever met are shallow, dimwitted, ugly, possibly ranga, cranky, have a bad vocabulary, have issues, smell odd, speak without charisma, dress like it's halloween 24/7, use the word "bullshit" to describe any phenomenon (positive or negative) , and finally, are unable to admit that they ARE lesser of a human being because they smoke B&H.

So with all that said, the cigarette left me feeling rather indifferent.
Now down to the scientific analysis-

• Attractiveness of Pack- Impressive. Like a big pile of reduced to clear goods at the local fruit shop. Like 185's on Colin's wheels. Like Dan Salami (umm NO not a typo). 4.5 malignant tumours out of 5.

• Burning Time- Average, if anything a little bit quick. And we all know that let-down feeling when things are over and down with a little bit too quickly.. hm... 2.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Smoothness and Flavour- Shit all flavour. Too smooth. Packed with tabacco or shredded loose-leaf paper? 2.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Lingering Taste- You say that as if there was a taste initially. nudda. nothing. zip. 1 out of 5 malignant tumours.

BENSON AND HEDGES AVERAGE SCORE : 2.625 (Nice clean number eh?) We can round it down to 2.5 really, i mean really. really.

Well that's it for another day. Since i'm $40 down as of 2pm today i might ease up on the cigarettes the next week.

'lol'. cracked a funny.

*insert shameless self-promotion here* If you like this shizz, let's chat. On FB- Missy Chapple.

Ta,

Missy.