I AM A FAG X

With the official 40th Birthday of Sesame Street being celebrated today, I am honoured to contribute to the festivities with a fresh dose of iamafag- what more child-friendly, educational topic to be preaching about than cigarettes on a day like this? The Count taught us the various numerals between 1 and 100, Cookie Monster subliminly taught our future pot-heads how to satisfy our weed munchies as quickly and efficiently as possible, and big bird taught us that anything large and yellow should be embraced and befriended, and should not be peeled, sliced and blended with natural yoghurt and a drizzle of honey, or even used as an educational aid for demonstrating how to put on a condom.

That said, I'd like to think that iamafag will go on to teach many pure eager-eyed children not only about the glory of time consumption, but also the beauty, elegance, satisfaction, PLEASURE, brilliance, happiness and joy of our blessed cigarette industry.

"here here"...

This morning I purchased Winfield Blues (in addition to buying washing powder, gee it's good having clean underwear again...) Sticking to the 'blue' theme, I thought this a logical step forward in my experiment. Brandishing phrases on its pack like "The Genuine One" and "Force No Friend, Fear No Foe", I was preparing for "waltzing matilda" and an army of Australian Military Soldiers to come rampaging from the pack as soon as i flipped the top. Disappointment. I sure silenced them...

Now I am not the type to 'take the piss' out of Australia, afterall, I was but one home-sick moment away from getting the Southern Cross tattooed on my left shoulder blade when i was overseas rather than my more sensible, pretty choice. And I am bang quick sharp on most questions offered in the theme of Australiana in trivia questions. BUT the fact that Winfield's are "a decent smoke with that same recognisable Aussis taste" in every smoke doesn't necessarily push my buttons. float my boat. raise my flag. hit the spot.. you know.

That said, I kept my mind as open as Pammy's legs. *all together now- SNAP.
So, this is what I found..

• Attractiveness of Pack- The 3D "blockbuster" NOW IN CINEMAS 'title' aka name on the front is a little OTT. As is the ridiculously textured background and the shameless self-promotion decorating every spare square mm of the pack. (not that I am at all opposed to shameless self promotion...) But i'll give it to them, the nasty health authorities have forced their sinful warnings on 3 of the 6 faces of the pack, kudos to Winny for squeezing every penny out of the rest of the space available to them on the pack. This all said, any visual that distracts me from the dying child, rotting lungs, toxic chemical, diseased eye, lardy shit being squeezed from an aorta shamelessly splayed on the pack only contibutes to my stubborn resistance to any desire to quit. Take that government health authorities... Let's say 3 out of 5 malignant tumours, if only for trying. hard.

• Smoothness and Flavour- I dont know quite what Winfield means by 'aussie flavour'-i imagine smoking a thong, kangaroo or VK Holden wouldnt quite compare.. Though I can identify a unique tang that i haven't experienced in other cigarettes. Whether or not this slightly caramel, slightly roast-lame flavour comes from the sweat of 'true blue aussie' workers labouring endlessly over at the tabacco factory is for you to decide. The cigarette is admittedly enjoyable, offering a smooth exhale and a pleasant buzz. This one's getting 4.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Burning Time- Hasty. Swift. *chatty ex-friend approaches "sorry i.. umm.. have to go i have.. umm. an appointment with... umm... my gynecologist....." *sprints erratically in the opposite direction. That sort of thing. It's as if this cigarette is so eager to leave me it would rather self-destruct at a phenomenal rate than linger in my presence a second longer. Rather than take offence to this, I say 'eff youuu'. 1 out of 5 malignant tumours. "TAKE THAT WINFIEEEEEEEELD!"..

• Lingering Taste- Much like the cigarette itself, the flavour really doesnt like to hang around. Doesn't stick around to clean up the beer bottles after the party. Doesn't stay for breakfast. Doesn't call you tomorrow.......sigh. (would a conversion to priesthood or lesbianism help me?.. what?) .... umm so yes taste, taste. It's all gone quicker than the fag itself. 1 out of 5 mlgnnt tmrs.

So although it looked like Winny Blues were gearing up for a decent score, BOOM they desend into oblivion more quickly than my falling bank balance...

AVERAGE SCORE FOR WINFIELD BLUES: 2.375.... umm let's say 2.

So here my creativity and writing stamina has shrivelled up and failed like Mr. Uh-Oh's* member when presented with a nice, young, supple asshole.

*Not his real name.

Now i'm not forcing anyone, not weilding whips and handcuffs, but I would really really really really really really really really really appreciate if YOU show some appreciation if you like what you read..Follow me? Send me a valentine? stalk back and forth past my bedroom window in the wee hours of the morning? In summary, show me some love.......

Til next time baby,

Missy.