I AM A FAG VII

With a storm a-brewing, study hanging depressingly over your (yeah not mine, sorry. Lucky me) head, and an eager eye for any sources of procrastination, I am hoping you have stumbled across this, my blog. Let me tell you, I have never been so proud to offer a means of distraction. Ever. "I'll show you UQ, i'll have the last laugh. mu ha ha cough cough splutter die"..
How my life is filled with purpose..

ANYHOW it's time I finally put a bit of a spanner in the works. Menthol. ("AAAAAAH RUN CHILDREN RUN")

Because i believe in honesty and honesty-in-a-bottle aka Beer, I must admit that for a good 4 months of my life Marlboro Menthols were my poison. I still get my dear friends reminding me how ridiculous i am when i confided in them that "i've switched to Menthols because i have a sore throat". nice.

But hear me out. (or go listen to Michael Buble for all i care, do whatever you want. fark.) Menthols have a pop and sizzle unlike your average purely tabacco (plus a few gentle mild ingredients, you know, cyanide, rocket fuel and solidified death) cigarettes.

Breathe in. Feel that coolness? Well, now your throat mouth and lungs are as cool as you are, you fag-guzzling legend. Rock on.

Menthols have a homely aroma that just screams comfort. Warmth. A perfect winter cigarette. Mittens on your hands, menthol in your cells. Second only to shagging on a shag in front of a raging fire, or alternatively and even more orgasmically, a snug pair of undies straight out of the dryer. Moan.

Dont get me wrong, anytime's a good time for menthol time. However after a while, aka 4 or 5 months, a menthol just doesnt hit you like a bus anymore. Not even like a shopping trolley up the ankle. zip nothing nudda. May as well inhale flaming Buttermenthols. sigh.

It's actually very difficult to rate a menthol using the same criteria as my previous brands. The complexity of flavours is almost incomparable, but hey, i'll give it my best shot.

• Attractiveness of Pack- As with other Marlboro strengths, the pack is simple and relatively un-impressive. However, it's minimalist design and easily distinguishable colour coding floats my boat. Just to be fair and HONEST, the only buzz i get from a Marl pack is the knowledge that it contains my dear Marlboros. In an effort to be objective, i rate the pack 2.5 out of 5 malignant tumours as realistically, Marlboro could do much better.

• Burning Time- Nice. Because the tips on Marl Menthols are white, there tends to be an optical illusion making you think you have more cigarette left than you actually do. Tear :( . This said though, the burning time is excellent, offering many drags and countless moments of thorough enjoyment. 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Smoothness and Flavour- Ay. Now you're talking. As i previously tried to explain, it is near impossible to accurately compare a menthol cigarette to your average straight up tru blu yeah yeah fag. Starting with smoothness, Menthols tend to caress the throat, numbing the gums slightly and cooling your respiratory tract. Exhaling through your nose while smoking a menthol borders on orgasmic. The tingle and burn reminds me of the saying ''there's a fine line between pleasure and pain".. Flavour. damnnn. Let's define 'flavour' as 'tasting something' (duh missy you dong) so let's say that you taste A LOT while smoking menthols. Overall it's an impressive balance between zing and pazazz. 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Lingering Taste- reow. Hangs on and on and on. (like, perhaps, a drunk girl- "oh em gee you're going, please dont go baby, stay with me, dont go dont go DONT GO babeeeeeeee"). eh. I like it (not my inner missy, the lingering taste) 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

MARLBORO MENTHOLS AVERAGE SCORE: 3.625. Um. Let's say 4? yeaaaah ok.

So kids, what i should say is "study hard, go on, off you go, heads down, books out. one plus one is two. "

What i will say instead is, i have a carton of Blondes on my floor. help yourself.

Next time fuckkkkers.

missaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I AM A FAG V

Well, after neigh wins (get it? nay? no? 'neigh'? horse noise? oh shit let me just give myself a farking medal for that pun) on the Cup today, I find myself in serious need of umm a bit of exercise?fresh air?a long piece of noosed rope? um no believe it or not, a cigarette. wow. Right out of left field that one...

Let me set the scene-
TAB. Kenmore Tavern. Rozzle. Beside me nursing a $50.50 winning slip. Me. Suicidal. Deep within the blackhole-esque vortex of depression. Close to tears. In Debt to ANZ $40. Thinking "ok break the window and plunge a large sharp shard of glass into my heart? Barge myself head-first into the TAB counter? Make a mad dash and throw myself before the 444 on Moggill rd? Or the worse imaginable suicide ever-A grangus/mangus/fangus feast at McDonalds?"

But no. I fought off the intense urge to decapitate myself with my in-debted credit card and almost contained my disappointment.
"Rozzle I'm going for a fag"....and in my ear, a smug voice of a (thank god) stranger says "cigarettes are bad for you, you know?" Hardy ha ha. Just then my suicidal thoughts temporarily turned murderous. Once again, and self-kudos for this, I resisted. Powered on if you like.

Talk about rambling...
ANYHOW, the transition back onto topic- Benson and Hedges Smooth.

Now the Grates say 'lies are much more fun' but i'll be truthful- B&H smooths were my victims previous to the last two reviews. However i simply overlooked them. So i'll rate those brutes now.

Initially, i'm literally in awe at their packaging. Crisp. Pristine. Insert additional synonyms here. Simply put, they look pretty. Gold makes me feel glamorous, sought after, blessed with many a wonderful material posessions, like Rose Porteous and her mansionfull of shoes. errrrr. Gold makes me think of Goldfinger. Goldfinger makes me think Bond. Bond makes me think Daniel Craig. And it all gets very explicit from here on.

The shrink wrap is purely disasterous. Flimsy. The kind of thin plastic film that becomes static and sticks to you and makes you all too flustered really. The position of the pull tab is just gay. Though when you battle past this, you again are able to marvel at the pack. mmm.

Inside, the cigarettes take form. No complaints about the foil. Nothing commendable or unique about the design of the cigarettes themselves.
First drag-Not bad....my expectations were low. All the B&H smokers i've ever met are shallow, dimwitted, ugly, possibly ranga, cranky, have a bad vocabulary, have issues, smell odd, speak without charisma, dress like it's halloween 24/7, use the word "bullshit" to describe any phenomenon (positive or negative) , and finally, are unable to admit that they ARE lesser of a human being because they smoke B&H.

So with all that said, the cigarette left me feeling rather indifferent.
Now down to the scientific analysis-

• Attractiveness of Pack- Impressive. Like a big pile of reduced to clear goods at the local fruit shop. Like 185's on Colin's wheels. Like Dan Salami (umm NO not a typo). 4.5 malignant tumours out of 5.

• Burning Time- Average, if anything a little bit quick. And we all know that let-down feeling when things are over and down with a little bit too quickly.. hm... 2.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Smoothness and Flavour- Shit all flavour. Too smooth. Packed with tabacco or shredded loose-leaf paper? 2.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Lingering Taste- You say that as if there was a taste initially. nudda. nothing. zip. 1 out of 5 malignant tumours.

BENSON AND HEDGES AVERAGE SCORE : 2.625 (Nice clean number eh?) We can round it down to 2.5 really, i mean really. really.

Well that's it for another day. Since i'm $40 down as of 2pm today i might ease up on the cigarettes the next week.

'lol'. cracked a funny.

*insert shameless self-promotion here* If you like this shizz, let's chat. On FB- Missy Chapple.

Ta,

Missy.