In a feeble attempt to errm 'dry up' my insides, i have been smoking perhaps more than usual in my wakeful hours...the thought of smoke and ash fragments meandering aimlessly in my body inspires me to think that somewhere along their journey they may heal or numb the pain..
Since reporting to you about the glory of Pall Mall Menthols, I have been hot on the trail of Choice Blues..... As you may recollect among my previous posts (and BY GOD you better or fuck off now and stop calling yourself a fan/human/worthy of life) I have already given Choice Silvers the once-over....and in doing so had my spectacular revelation about their insanely frightful and too-coincidental-not-to-be-planned likeness to Marlboros. A step up from silvers (well two steps up if you must be so pedantic), Blues have the promise of more wail kick and scream than silvers. Did they deliver? The questions hanging on the lips of man woman and child alike. Well it's not a yes and no question in my mind. Not definite. Unlike the certainty that yes, Delta Goodrem blows and no, i'm not going to buy Nintendo/Sunsilk/So Good/Proactive products just because she tells me to, it's difficult to judge Choice Blues as either hit or miss.
Today, while feeling game enough to venture more than 3 ft away from the sanctuary and safety of the bathroom, i decided to pop down to the Botanical Gardens out umm that way, you know, towards the 2pm sun.. and have a good lie down, embrace the fresh air, wrap up my latest novel and drench my lungs in the goodness of tabacco shhmoke. I'm determined not to whinge (about the chirpy children, canoodling couples, monsterous mosquitoes, incessant insects) rather speak fondly of the relaxation I gained from lying (vulnerable) out in the open of this great grand city of ours.
While i switched my "maybe i can meet a nice boy here" thoughts to a more likely and achievable "maybe i wont scare masses and masses of frightened humans away today", I took a moment to reflect on my achievements thus far in swimming through my ocean of cigarette brands. Then i realise how far i have to go. I have merely dipped my big toe (deformed and scabby at that) into the very edge of this great wide body of water. Though as i have said, i am dedicated. Nothing will stand in my way. Through cough and splutter, cigarette price-rise and shabbied, beer-ravaged packs, through bumming and lending lighters and sharing smokes, i shall not be deterred.
Right so off the path less-travelled thank you very much and back from the beaten track, we're left with the issue at hand- Choice Blues. With each new pack i select, i find it more and more difficult to me surprised, and more so, impressed by them. It's as if the majority of cigarettes end up in the "meh not bad" pile, and less and less make me go "BANG BOOM that's good tabacco".. Which is disappointing to say the least.
And no exception to this rule are Choice Blues. Yes you may say smoking is smoking is smoking, but every now and then i do wish a cigarette would talk back to me, you know. Say "hey bitch, suck me" while rolling it's tongue around it's lips suggestively and thrusting vigouresly with it's flat and ripped pelvis. hm. (Here lies the reason i am single...?) Although it may be considered shameful to want to share a special moment with a cigarette, I can honestly argue that it is NOT criminal or illegal for me to want 'something more' from an object i care so deeply and whole-heartedly about.
Me trying to get to the point is like driving from brisbane to sydney via darwin- You know that may possibly be the long way, but by god you waste a glorious about of time doing it that way....
So let's throw some numbers in, just to keep our old Maths teachers happy and possibly to attempt some FOCUS and DIRECTION amongst the rambling..
- Attractiveness of Pack- Arguably plain. You may think Robert Pattinson is attractive (i wouldnt admit it though unless you want me hunting you down in the middle of the night with a jaggerd wooden stake as my weapon of choice and all but foul words hurling un-edited from my vicious mouth) , though i think his resemblance to a short-snouted seahorse to be quit uncanny. You say banana, i say penis. Pretty dang darn sweat-shop mass-produced b-grade. i'm sorry. Simple but un-satisfying. 2 out of 5 malignant tumours.
- Smoothness and Flavour- It's a bit like corn on a cob without salt. Like weetbix without umm soggy soggy. Like shaving your legs to below your knee. Unfinished. Incomplete. There's just something missing....Flavour exists, but is slightly unpleasant really..This cigarette really leaves a fair bit to be desired.......2 out of 5 malignant tumours.
- Burning Time- Picks up a few lost marks here. Sticks around long enough to swap at least first names and phone numbers... However it seems the tabacco is pretty loosly and inconsistenly packed? or something.. because at times, ashing causes the 'whole bloody lot to fall out'. or something.... either way, burns more slowly than skinny bitch pall malls. ummmm let's say 3 out of 5..
- Lingering Taste- Not too bad really. The flavour hangs on the underside of your tongue and in the very fleshy mass of your cheeks. Through sip of water, coffee and even chewing gum for a while, the flavour remains. Kudossssss ssssssss. 4 out of 5.
AVERAGE SCORE FOR CHOICE BLUES: 2.5? something un-impressive. "Average". Hiding in the corner behind the trash can to avoid being picked on for your bogus glasses and ridiculously hideous face. I would not recommend this cigarette, BUT for it's $3 less a pack than Marlboro, it's not ummm toooooooo bad.. really...
So on this sunday night, while my insides are slowly solidifying and the tap is turning off, finally, i wish you all a happy week ahead of you. Get down get down get down.
misssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssy.
No comments:
Post a Comment