I AM A FAG XVII

Nothing says summer more than swatting mosquitoes on sweaty thighs, 'road-trip'-like ventures to the beach, and a relentless desire to get cool cool cool, anyway possible (argh it's too hot to wear underwear). Therefore my next ciggie cig quenches the summer heat more than i ever thought possible. We're talking Arctic-cool. Dirty Harry-cool. Fucking 5kg Servo ice-cool. The wintery shades of blue eminating from a snow-capped peak of a mountain, behind a silver "ALPINE" lable screams "somebody get me my mittens, its gonna be a cold one out today". Additionally, the refreshing splashes of pristine silver detailing the pack adds to the sub-zero enticement of these ciggies.

As i was saying (or probably not, knowing me) a long drive north to the beached regions of Caloundra and such called for a long dip in the refreshing ocean, a good shameless perve on the surrounding oh-so-nearly nude baking bodies, and a special treat, an early christmas present to myself if you will. Of course, this came in the form of aquiring a fresh pack of cigarettes.

And so Alpine Ice Nova 25s High Cooling menthol cigarettes came into my life and yet another $12 debited from my account. NEVER in my life have i felt a sense of anticipation so great as i had then. (well except maybe the great countdown to the release of Angels and Demons in cinema, but that's a-whole-fucking-nother essay...)

Upon releasing the pack from its all-encompassing wrap, the sweet sweet aroma of tabacco mingled with menthol filled my rather lofty nose. :( .... Even my twinny bro Dave, sitting patiently next to me, gave an impression of eagerness and said excitedly "wow, they smell like a cough lolly, like umm vic's vapour rub".. Yes. Well noted ma bro. The first drag is comparable to snorting liquid nitrogen- an almost painfully cool sensation. I could almost visualize a thin, crackled layer of ice forming throughout my respiratory tract.

Even Dave, a serial non-smoker (and an at least thrice-weekly utterer of the rather common phrase "Missssyyyy, do you HAVE to smoke??!!) was curious enough to have a drag when i told him he should. Two at that. This says a lot about a) my insuppressable and overbearing bossiness and b) the enigmatic curiosity generated by these cigarettes.

Experiencing such a terrifyingly powerful burst of icy-coolness, i can now truthfully say i know just how Amundsen must have felt traversing the Antarctic. How Jack Dawson felt floating helplessly in the freezing Atlantic Ocean (because FUCKING Rose DeWitt Bukater couldn't move her big fat upper-class Aristocratic ass over and share the bloody big door acting as her saviour from the water.. but again, a whole other essay topic, usually argued on after the consumption of a beer or 8...).

On my resume i can now add (in addition to my name, address, and a very meager list of attributes ) "Missy Chapple, climber of the highest ice-capped peak of the Alps. Glacier surfer. Bather in dry ice....

Ahh, such exaggerations may one day land me in hot water (though keeping to topic, let's say cold water) but it's my effortless ability to hype up the truth, lie ruthlessly through my teeth, that i am ableto rort the "customer parking only" policy day in and day out at Toowong Woolworths. "oh yes, sir, im just popping across the road to grab a coffee, yes sir, i'll be right back"... Sucker. And away i strut, smuggly content with my lie and feeling invincible. Ah.

SO let's get it onnnnn numerically. ok. ?

Attractiveness of Pack- As i have probably well enough outlined, the pack visually represents its contents perfectly. Although not really my 'cuppa tea' in essence, its not bad really. In terms of durability and resistance, i have few complaints (what a change from the norm..) 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

Smoothness and Flavour- So smooth, so flavourful, it's difficult to pick a flaw in these babies. HOWEVER, they border on being TOO flavourful, but of menthol and not of the, well, preferred, tabacco taste i do so crave most often. I can therfore say that although a refreshing novelty on a hot summer's slash spring's day, they would not satisfy as a day to day cigarette, and as such would not be my brand of choice. so for this i dock 2 points. And if unlike me you HAVE half a brain you will deduce that the score is 3 out of 5 malignant tumours.

Burning Time- Not bad really. The tabacco is rather loosely packed, causing me distress in gusts of wind, but the cigarette burns rather steadily and evenly. Not quite as impressive as Longbeach, and by fucking oath a lot slower than B&H Ultimate (gag cough vom ew.) I'll say 3.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

Lingering Taste- The taste of menthol continues to freeze you from the inside-out for moments and moments after the cigarette is all gone. The small amount of tabacco taste in the cigarette soon disappears however, but the pleasant menthol aftertaste still satisfies the senses and leaves you with a warm fuzzy feeling inside. eh eh. 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

AVERAGE SCORE FOR ALPINE ICE NOVA: about 3.5.... A semi-smashing result from a very pleasant cigarette.

Well all this talk of ice and coolness makes me desire nothing less than lying on a giant bed of ice, being fanned (preferably by bikini-glad DD women and perhaps a ripped guy or two..) and spritzed with water mist.... 3 consecutive days of sunbaking and swimming has left my skin lobsteresque and slightly painful. But, never the less, i will surely appreciate the tan that will undoubtedly develop within the next few days. Sticking it to the cancer council. Big time.

I wish you a pleasant monday evening. If you're getting laid let me know how it goes.
If you're not, come join me and we'll mourne together.

luuurrve (ew vom die)
misssssssy.