I AM A FAG XVI

and because the call of midnight and the swish swish of blonde in my tummy makes it hard for me to sleep, i think i shall use this time productively and catch up on some well overdue and definitely necessary (yeaaah, right, sure, i know hey) posty posts.

with a mounting (no toe-curling mount however) pile of packity packs of all but empty cigarettes littering every commonplace region of my house, it brings my attention back to the fact that a) i smoke too much and b) i really really have to grow some balls, finally check my no doubt disgustingly in debt credit card statement and c) Brock's home and singing and it's all going down hill from here.

Midnight means sexy and sexy is embodied within every square mm of Vogue Superslims. If you know any more about me than my first name you should have a decent comprehension of my obsession with skinny swayze in his pre-death cancer days, and any assorted superslim celebrities making me feel bad about my stature. Therefore the very look of the pack, and the sweet sweet cigarettes encassed gloriously within, is enough to send me over the edge, back up again, and flailing gloriously through space time and pleasure over the edge again.

With the drone of late night television pulsating irritatingly through the glass panel shutting me out of my lounge room, and a swarm of menacing mosquitoes hungrily feeding on my poisoned blood, I am slightly hating the outdoors and wishing to fuck i lived in an old-shit bombed-up nasty junk house, and could thus smoke up every square inch of the inside of ze house. But you know, you win some you lose some you lose some more you lose some you lose them all.

(Brock attempts to unpsych me, push me back near the thin thin menacing line of suicide, buy shamelessly blasting remeniscent John Mayer songs from his pissy pissy mac. he will never succeed while beer and cigarettes remain legal..)

SO as i was so succinctly saying (you will actually find the words 'succinct' and 'missy' to be fucking light years apart, if you havent already caught on to this fact) My next willing sucker, should i say suckee, were Vogue Superlims Blueu (because we're fucking wanky and french or something..)

I have commented on indeed the very wankiness and pretentious nature of all slim cigaretes previously, however i do have to straight up ask you not to associate vogues to any other slim cigarettes on the market, simply because they are inarguably in a field of their very own.

What possessed me to purchase them was an unquenchable desire to (attempt to) regain my femininity (paralled to my efforts to reduce my public stomach-turning vomit-worthy belches and disgusting use of obscene language). Obtained (expensively) from a george st 7/11, these cigarettes immediately gave me a (false?) sense of vaginaristic characteristic (synonym (and rhyme for that matter) sourced from brock, my living, walking thesaurus).

AND once again i am happy to report they delivered on all fronts.
From my first glimpse, my first drag, my first delicious realisation of what i was experiencing, these duzzes blew me away like a 50knot southerly zephyr (aka a gale. again, thanks b-rock). I almost felt dignified and slightly sophisticated strolling carefree through the nastily architectured riff-raffed streets of my beautifl city with one of these skinny sluts hanging daintily between my index-and-middle fingers, lifting her seductively to my parted lips, sucking greedily on her satisfying exhaust.

It's as if every fucking christmas i've ever lived through have come at once. and come and come again. aaoooo. and the walls shook. and the bed slats broke.

I could go on for eons with my description of their awesomeness, yet i will cease to ramble before i lose too many of you poor soles. As is, by now, only to be expected, i will transcribe my thoughts and words into numbers to numerically express my contentedness with these sexy babies.

Attractiveness of Pack- Perfectly matching the description, the pack is both enticing and dangerously anorexicesquely slim. It's the small things that add to the pleasure of this pack (quite ironic, isnt it, when classifying 'small' as 'pleasurable'? i'm sorry, enough with the sexual inuendo eh?). The pack would under no circumstances last under the often strenous and testing conditions which i expose my packs to, (i.e acting as my wallet for a night out), and housing even my tiniest mini-bic lighter is impossible. This all said, it's the virginal white, subtle whisps of blue and aqua, and delicate pattern that really takes this pack up from delicious to insuppressibly execptional. Although it gains a nice tidy zero for longevity and practicality, i award it 4.5 out of 5 malignant tumours for its breathtaking sensuality and stunning design.


Smoothness and flavour- DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN gurl. sorry. but really. how else am i able to vocalize my delicious level of satisfaction with these beauties? although they have a diameter of umm not more than about 4mm, the level of flavour from these cuties is not only unexpected, but orgasmically impressive. acclimatizing to the severe skinny-longness of them is a painfully delicate process, but with a little tenderness and a gentle hand (no, not rough hard hard and fast) this is easily achievable. Ashing them involves a gentle tap rather than a hardy flick, again adding to the femininity of them. Their smoothness is comparable to daniel craig at a poker table, their flavour a welcome change from the (far too common) flavourlessness of many rivaling brands. My verdict seems to indicate perfection, but just to attempt modesty and create a sense of realism i will award them 4.5 out of 5 malignant tumours in this category.

Burning Time- Although the actual volume of tabacco in these cigarettes would be, naturally, less than that of an average or king size cigarette, they still burn remarkably efficiently and steadily. The smoulder only when drawn on, they combust evenly, they go on and one and on more than Beethovens 7th symphony. 4.5 out for 5 malignant tumours (i'm sure now you're thinking their faultlessness is becoming all too good to be true, but nay, i speak only words of honest, unblemished truth.)

Lingering Taste- A subtle tabacco flavour dwells pleasantly on the pallet for a commendable amount of time. although the last drag (obviously) brings with it the last hint of actual taste, it lingers for an impressive amount of time. No nasty bitter singed-leaf flavour. No ' i-need-a-piece-of-gum' urge. Just the slowly-fading essence of the smashing cigarette that was. 4.5 out of 5 malig tums.


AVERAGE SCORE FOR VOGUE SUPERSLIMS: 4.5. My highest rating cigarette thus far. (Let's hope this isn't a peak in my cigarette-rating venture).

AND now, after a night of furiously attempting to regain lost ground on my blogs-to-cigarettes purchased ratio, i hope you are as satisfied as i am.

Until next time you allow me to fill you mind with utter filth and mindless jabber,

missy.