I AM A FAG IX

Hoy Hoy.

As a leopard never changes its spots, I too must admit my inability to change mine.
Now please dont take this as an admission to being spotty. No, I dont have herpes/measles/liverspots..
I am simply stating that I have reverted back to my good ole Marlboros. tsk tsk. BUT, with a twist, of course, as i never once approach a cigarette counter without thinking long and hard about my life objective, my (greatest, all-encompassing, un-suppressable) priority- IAMAFAG.

I would not abandon my readers...erm..possibly reader,singular, may be less of an exaggeration. So I have chosen Marlboro Blue to test for its roadworthiness, vigor and virility (though virile in the sense of 'tough shit', not in the fertile, masculine, sperm-filled sense.. right) Think of it as a step back in my attempts to lose my bias toward Marl if you will, you pessimistic hag, or as a touching-base retracing back to my roots type movement...mm.

Although I swear to myself bi/tri/quad/hexi?weekly to NEVER purchase cigarettes from anywhere but the nasty big grocery/retail joints aka woolworths, I forgie myself when Night Owl is oh so much closer, i'm there buying lollies anyway, and the $2 extra a pack can go suck it when I need a cigarette. Like a bull at a gate, no reinforced steel or electric fence is sure to stop me.

So night owl takes my money, I take their cigarettes and an assorted baggie of lollies. Done. I see it as winning, even though each credit card statement brings me closer and closer to financial ruin (not far away now) and ultimate suicide.

Eventually I remember my original sunday aim-not lollies, not just to leave the house (though sunday daytime television had me teetering dangerously close to the edge of self-destruction) and not even exclusively to buy cigarettes. No, more than that, my sunday aim was to acquire a fresh new range of stationary from Office Works. Nice.

In an attempt to 'fully psyche up' for the commencement of my bridging course, I thought a new eraser and a sweet set of highlighters would surely start me off on the right foot. Office works is a mecca not only for roaring school children seeking out more more MORE coloured textas and the bendiest ruler money can buy, but also for such hopeful, possibly deluded types as myself.

Something about the wide open spaces inside Office Works always gets my heart a pounding and my head filled with hope and belief in the glory of living. No exaggeration. The aisles and aisles of dedicated (though often overpriced) goods makes me froth. Zoo eat your heart out.

My pulse quickens as I pass tresstle tables packed with colour-coordinated office organisation equipment. "You dont need it, you DONT NEED IT" I repeat to myself in order to avoid falling for a beautiful new $49 leather-bound diary (which i would only fill with pictures of boobs and song lyrics that probably dont exist anyway)..When passing by the post-its and pushpins i avoid eye contact and quicken my pace ("no, resist, you must RESIST")..
Finally i arrive at the pencil, eraser and pen aisle. easy right? At this point I take a moment to wipe the sweat off my brow and contemplate just how close i came to maxing out my credit card on an assortment of 'oh so pretty' stationary goods. Phew.

("hey ma, Missy's gone bonkers, she's sposta be writin' 'bout fags n now she's ramblin' on 'bout farkin paperclips!!") Yes I am very aware I have fallen off topic.

Back on the horse eh? Right so where were we? Right so the POINT of this was to say that after Officeworks I somehow decided to drive to ipswich. Look i dont know why, ok. I was just on the M5 and didn't feel like getting off. AND here's the segue, while driving on the good ole Centenary Highway, I once again had an opportunity to thoroughly try and test my Blues. To wrap this all up into a raggedy and slighty frazzled bow, I am happy with what I found. Here we go...

• Attractivness of Pack- As I have previously stated, Marlboro packs are a little like steamed rice. Arrowroot biscuits. Boiled broadbeans. Mischa Barton. Plain. Unremarkable. However "hip hip horray" for blue. Blue Blue Blue here's to you. I really do enjoy blue. 3 out of 5 malignant tumours

• Smoothness and Flavour- mmmhmm that's good tabacco. Soft enough flavour to offer a gentle caress through the mouth and into the lungs, though gutsy enough to remind you you're killing yourself. The smoothness is questionable however, not harsh by any means but slightly bumpy on the exhale. Is it just me or is there a hell of a lot more 'smoke' in these cigarettes than usual? Again it could simply be the direction of the wind or the play of the evening light, but i feel like more of a billowing smoke-stack than i'm used to. BUT all this said, if you smoke, you smoke, so I cant be whinging about the...erm...smoke. AND it makes me feel even cooler, when my exhaled smoked curls up around my eyes, I take on a watery, squinty-eyed look and instantly resemble an uber cool audrey hepburn or, probably more of a resemblance here, a cranky John Daly. All said, 4 out of 5 should do it.

• Burning Time- enough time to light, drag, ash, indicate, turn up music, skip track, turn up music more, adjust mirrors, drag, death stare bogan in ute, ash, drag, indicted, accelerate, turn music up, repeat track, drag, indicate, brake, merge, check speedo, ash, drag.. you get it. Long. Good. Happy times. 4.5 out of 5.

• Lingering Taste- AAAOOOOOOOOOOOOooo oooo oooo. alright ya. No, I haven't chewed tabacco before, but let's pretend I have. I would imagine that little bits of it would get stuck in your teeth, allowing you to taste that shit long after it's been "pah taaaanged" out of your mouth in an almighty spit..The flavour from a Blue is similar to the flavour i imagine from a good ole chomp on tabacky. SO yes. Impressive lingering taste. 4.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

MARLBORO BLUES AVERAGE SCORE: like 4.

*Dear Reader. I am frightfully aware that my ratings have all basically been rounded to about 4. I am also aware that a rating system out of 5 might not have been the best way to accurately judge such a broad variety of cigarettes. If you have a problem with this, that makes two of us. As I have said to all who have complained, i'm saving the 1's and 2's out of 5's for when I get desperate and hit up the real dodgy brands. I'm talking Horizon 40's. Longbeach. Enough to make me gag and cough in preparation for what my lungs are yet to endure. But i'm steadfast. I'm dedicated. I'm on a mission, call me Apollo 21 for fuck sake just believe that I will not stop until I sink my scraggly fingers deep into every pack of sssshmokes out there.*

Now that's all cleared up, bye.

Missy.

I AM A FAG VII

With a storm a-brewing, study hanging depressingly over your (yeah not mine, sorry. Lucky me) head, and an eager eye for any sources of procrastination, I am hoping you have stumbled across this, my blog. Let me tell you, I have never been so proud to offer a means of distraction. Ever. "I'll show you UQ, i'll have the last laugh. mu ha ha cough cough splutter die"..
How my life is filled with purpose..

ANYHOW it's time I finally put a bit of a spanner in the works. Menthol. ("AAAAAAH RUN CHILDREN RUN")

Because i believe in honesty and honesty-in-a-bottle aka Beer, I must admit that for a good 4 months of my life Marlboro Menthols were my poison. I still get my dear friends reminding me how ridiculous i am when i confided in them that "i've switched to Menthols because i have a sore throat". nice.

But hear me out. (or go listen to Michael Buble for all i care, do whatever you want. fark.) Menthols have a pop and sizzle unlike your average purely tabacco (plus a few gentle mild ingredients, you know, cyanide, rocket fuel and solidified death) cigarettes.

Breathe in. Feel that coolness? Well, now your throat mouth and lungs are as cool as you are, you fag-guzzling legend. Rock on.

Menthols have a homely aroma that just screams comfort. Warmth. A perfect winter cigarette. Mittens on your hands, menthol in your cells. Second only to shagging on a shag in front of a raging fire, or alternatively and even more orgasmically, a snug pair of undies straight out of the dryer. Moan.

Dont get me wrong, anytime's a good time for menthol time. However after a while, aka 4 or 5 months, a menthol just doesnt hit you like a bus anymore. Not even like a shopping trolley up the ankle. zip nothing nudda. May as well inhale flaming Buttermenthols. sigh.

It's actually very difficult to rate a menthol using the same criteria as my previous brands. The complexity of flavours is almost incomparable, but hey, i'll give it my best shot.

• Attractiveness of Pack- As with other Marlboro strengths, the pack is simple and relatively un-impressive. However, it's minimalist design and easily distinguishable colour coding floats my boat. Just to be fair and HONEST, the only buzz i get from a Marl pack is the knowledge that it contains my dear Marlboros. In an effort to be objective, i rate the pack 2.5 out of 5 malignant tumours as realistically, Marlboro could do much better.

• Burning Time- Nice. Because the tips on Marl Menthols are white, there tends to be an optical illusion making you think you have more cigarette left than you actually do. Tear :( . This said though, the burning time is excellent, offering many drags and countless moments of thorough enjoyment. 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Smoothness and Flavour- Ay. Now you're talking. As i previously tried to explain, it is near impossible to accurately compare a menthol cigarette to your average straight up tru blu yeah yeah fag. Starting with smoothness, Menthols tend to caress the throat, numbing the gums slightly and cooling your respiratory tract. Exhaling through your nose while smoking a menthol borders on orgasmic. The tingle and burn reminds me of the saying ''there's a fine line between pleasure and pain".. Flavour. damnnn. Let's define 'flavour' as 'tasting something' (duh missy you dong) so let's say that you taste A LOT while smoking menthols. Overall it's an impressive balance between zing and pazazz. 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Lingering Taste- reow. Hangs on and on and on. (like, perhaps, a drunk girl- "oh em gee you're going, please dont go baby, stay with me, dont go dont go DONT GO babeeeeeeee"). eh. I like it (not my inner missy, the lingering taste) 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

MARLBORO MENTHOLS AVERAGE SCORE: 3.625. Um. Let's say 4? yeaaaah ok.

So kids, what i should say is "study hard, go on, off you go, heads down, books out. one plus one is two. "

What i will say instead is, i have a carton of Blondes on my floor. help yourself.

Next time fuckkkkers.

missaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I AM A FAG V

Well, after neigh wins (get it? nay? no? 'neigh'? horse noise? oh shit let me just give myself a farking medal for that pun) on the Cup today, I find myself in serious need of umm a bit of exercise?fresh air?a long piece of noosed rope? um no believe it or not, a cigarette. wow. Right out of left field that one...

Let me set the scene-
TAB. Kenmore Tavern. Rozzle. Beside me nursing a $50.50 winning slip. Me. Suicidal. Deep within the blackhole-esque vortex of depression. Close to tears. In Debt to ANZ $40. Thinking "ok break the window and plunge a large sharp shard of glass into my heart? Barge myself head-first into the TAB counter? Make a mad dash and throw myself before the 444 on Moggill rd? Or the worse imaginable suicide ever-A grangus/mangus/fangus feast at McDonalds?"

But no. I fought off the intense urge to decapitate myself with my in-debted credit card and almost contained my disappointment.
"Rozzle I'm going for a fag"....and in my ear, a smug voice of a (thank god) stranger says "cigarettes are bad for you, you know?" Hardy ha ha. Just then my suicidal thoughts temporarily turned murderous. Once again, and self-kudos for this, I resisted. Powered on if you like.

Talk about rambling...
ANYHOW, the transition back onto topic- Benson and Hedges Smooth.

Now the Grates say 'lies are much more fun' but i'll be truthful- B&H smooths were my victims previous to the last two reviews. However i simply overlooked them. So i'll rate those brutes now.

Initially, i'm literally in awe at their packaging. Crisp. Pristine. Insert additional synonyms here. Simply put, they look pretty. Gold makes me feel glamorous, sought after, blessed with many a wonderful material posessions, like Rose Porteous and her mansionfull of shoes. errrrr. Gold makes me think of Goldfinger. Goldfinger makes me think Bond. Bond makes me think Daniel Craig. And it all gets very explicit from here on.

The shrink wrap is purely disasterous. Flimsy. The kind of thin plastic film that becomes static and sticks to you and makes you all too flustered really. The position of the pull tab is just gay. Though when you battle past this, you again are able to marvel at the pack. mmm.

Inside, the cigarettes take form. No complaints about the foil. Nothing commendable or unique about the design of the cigarettes themselves.
First drag-Not bad....my expectations were low. All the B&H smokers i've ever met are shallow, dimwitted, ugly, possibly ranga, cranky, have a bad vocabulary, have issues, smell odd, speak without charisma, dress like it's halloween 24/7, use the word "bullshit" to describe any phenomenon (positive or negative) , and finally, are unable to admit that they ARE lesser of a human being because they smoke B&H.

So with all that said, the cigarette left me feeling rather indifferent.
Now down to the scientific analysis-

• Attractiveness of Pack- Impressive. Like a big pile of reduced to clear goods at the local fruit shop. Like 185's on Colin's wheels. Like Dan Salami (umm NO not a typo). 4.5 malignant tumours out of 5.

• Burning Time- Average, if anything a little bit quick. And we all know that let-down feeling when things are over and down with a little bit too quickly.. hm... 2.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Smoothness and Flavour- Shit all flavour. Too smooth. Packed with tabacco or shredded loose-leaf paper? 2.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Lingering Taste- You say that as if there was a taste initially. nudda. nothing. zip. 1 out of 5 malignant tumours.

BENSON AND HEDGES AVERAGE SCORE : 2.625 (Nice clean number eh?) We can round it down to 2.5 really, i mean really. really.

Well that's it for another day. Since i'm $40 down as of 2pm today i might ease up on the cigarettes the next week.

'lol'. cracked a funny.

*insert shameless self-promotion here* If you like this shizz, let's chat. On FB- Missy Chapple.

Ta,

Missy.