I AM A FAG XI

Re reoow. Hi hi hi hi hi hi. Excuse me Mr President.

Well what can say? so many cigarettes, so little time.
Since my last post (circa 3 days ago? maybe four if you're lucky..) I have chewed through 3 different brands. So less chat more rating. Down to business. No time for sitting on the boss's desk with my pencil skirt slipping up my thigh ("oh Mr. CompanyDirector you dont really want to fire me...") ... Just into it. Straight in. Like diving under a frothing wave at the beach. No time to appreciate the iciness of the water, head under, no fooling around. No funny business. "Yes please i'll have that coffee before next christmas if you don't mind". *tap tap tap of foot impatiently. "Why yes i AM actually in a hurry.."

Bam. Pall Mall Slims Green. While tsk tsking about the state of our country, (happy couples holding hands, prosperous youth smiling contentendly, old ladies free to walk (crawl, drag along, turtle/snail along) at their own pace..) makes me sick really, I decided i'd hit up Coles for it's finest tabacco. Finest money (um $9) can buy. Because my doctor tells me i'm female, i still have a place in my heart for those skinny slim 'pretty' Pall Mall slims. Subtle targeted marketing which works disgustingly well. AND green=menth menth menthol which ticks me more than Nike. Aaaaoo.

As I realise I have again managed to lose my favourite lighter in the possessed deep dark abyss of my hangbag, I decide to also purchase a mini-Bic to get the fire started.
"whaa colouurrr you waant?" asks Miss Korea at the counter. I laugh incredulously and say "i dont give a shit".. snap. that's what you get for trying to Serve Me Better Coles. Yeah, you'll love it.

Initially I am once again breathtaken by the slender pack's cosy fit in my palm. Curling my fingers tenderly around its smooth exterior, I cradle it toward the exit and immediately undress it from its plastic encassing and fumble greedily for the top. (hey hey hey, it's good enough for Mills and Boon) ...

Prissy, wanky and possibly a little tweeny, it seems these cigarettes must be smoked while humming along to the Ting Tings and must MUST be shared among a group of no-boys-allowed, only freshly-pubescent teenage girls while talking about "how TOTALLY lame Jason was being last night, OH EM GEEE he totally barred me off for COD and i'm SO annoyed because i REAAAAALLY wanted to like take it like further, like i'm like ready to like kiss him and like i even bought new lipgloss and like i asked him to come to the New Moon premier like WITH ME and like now he's making up like excuses and it's so lame cos i just want him to buy me a pink slushy we can like share, yeah i KNOOOW Soph, like it would be the BEST time to start kissing like even before the movie started, like we can share a straw and then he'll lean in and like kiss me and i'll taste sooooo good like cos not only do i have new lipgloss but pink slushies are so totally sweet...."

HOWEVER, I can put an XY twist on this predominately femalesque cigarette-with a beer in my left hand and an almighty belch erupting from the pit of my gut. To be less umm figurative, i overlook the pussiness of the appearance of this cigarette and can take it for its true value-the sweet sweet cool menthol tabacco goodness of its inner core. Never judge a book by it's cover they say, and hell, Stephen King is lucky many eager readers obviously live by this motto, as otherwise 'Misery', with it's cartoon 'angry typewriter' cover would not have sold even a single copy... ... ..

Slim cigarettes take me back to my smoking pre-engrained-habit-life-or-death-i-need-a-fag days... Nights sitting out the back of the One with BB on one side, Zee on the other, puffing happily on a vogue or a dunhill essence... aah. The instant refreshing menthol taste makes me feel like there's a party in my mouth and everyone (oh except him and him) is invited.

The elegantly-styled cigarette is reminiscent of Hollywood golden day movies. Length is obviously an important dimension to have in many every day... errr.. situations. Thinness is apparently admirable. Together they form an unbreakable, porn star team-impressive, desirable and most of all, arousing.

The absence of an orange tip, opting for cloud white from top to filter, is reminiscent of all good menthol brands, and admirable for its streamline and consistent appearance.

It seems there is nothing these cigarettes cant do-soothe the throat, unblock the sinuses, clear the head, refresh the breath and, most importantly, send off a waft of sweetly-scented smoke potent enough to erradicate hayfever and stuffiness for miles around. In addition to their impressive medicinal properties, they offer a buzz close enough to a full-strength cigarette to keep even the most dedicated smokers satisfied and relieved.

Now to convert all these words words words into numbers...

• Attractiveness of Pack- I know I have done a satisfactory job at describing in detail my level of contentment and jaw-dropping impressiveness of the pack in all its glory. It's a big call, but this pack is infallible. Compact while delivering quality. Attractive while remaining solid, sturdy and un-scathed even while wrestling with my wallet, keys, latest novel, plastic knife and fork set, kiwi spoon, cosmetic bag, mirror, brush, perfume, phone, eco-sack, diary, paw paw cream, nailpolish, tissue pack, chewing gum, bobby pins, swiped Gloria Jeans straws, swiped McDonald's straws, swiped commercial/industrial sized roll of toilet paper from the Indroo cinemas (YES, I KNOW, it's a sure-fire sign you need to get a job/money when you're stealing toilet paper) in my bag. So close to perfect it hurts, like a riptide. 4.9999999999 recurring out of 5 malignant tumours. (Just because admitting perfection of anything from me is as rare as me going more than a minute without whinging about something superficial.)

• Smoothness and flavour- The smoothness is comparable to a newly-tarred section of freeway. With your tyres on a recommended 36psi, the drive is bump-free and like sailing on a waveless ocean without a breath of wind... The flavour tingles your tongue nicely, while curving gently downwards into your lungs, drenching them in a coolness otherwise only achievable with Ray Bans and a subscription to Frankie. 4.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Burning time- NOOOOOOOO! well even Miranda Kerr poos. Even the things that appear perfect have flaws. The burning time for Pall Mall Slims is less than impressive. yes yes yes i take into full consideration that these cigarettes are CONSIDERABLY slimmer than traditional cigarettes, it still does not excuse them from the at-least-an-ad-break-long rule:I am shocked and appalled that I can leave The Amazing Race at an ad break to go outside for a smoke and be finished and return before the end of the break! I mean, it is easier for me to blame the excessive duration of ad breaks on Prime, as it's so difficult for me to in any way slander the humble cigarette, but I think in this case I best accept the truth and admit that even this heaven-sent cigarette is flawed. I can only award 2 out of 5 for burning time.

• Lingering Taste- Not impressive really. Menthol cigarettes tend to hang on the breath for longer than a traditional cigarette, however in this case it is the menthol taste alone, and not the tabacco at all, that lingers. Of course I don't have a problem with this, but less lingering taste+quick burning time=more cigarettes smoked times more money divided by available funds (answer being somewhere between -$257 and bankruptcy) 3 out of 5 malighant tumours.

AVERAGE SCORE FOR PALL MALL SLIMS GREEN: 3.6..... Won big points for 'prettiness' and taste as you have seen, but the longevity of the glory is less than impressive. Still, highly recommended regardless of final score. Like a hot-tittied girl with a fugly face, don't totally discount it. Sometimes you have to take the good and the bad, and just paper-bag what you dont like and supplement the flaws with some decent fondling and a bit of imagination... you know..

Well for those who know best, take my advice and run with it.

For those who know I don't actually know what is best, or right from wrong for that matter, stay in school eh?

Til next time, say hi to your mum for me. Well actually she's between my legs so i'll just say hi to her myself. geez.

Vulgarly yours,

Missy.

I AM A FAG IX

Hoy Hoy.

As a leopard never changes its spots, I too must admit my inability to change mine.
Now please dont take this as an admission to being spotty. No, I dont have herpes/measles/liverspots..
I am simply stating that I have reverted back to my good ole Marlboros. tsk tsk. BUT, with a twist, of course, as i never once approach a cigarette counter without thinking long and hard about my life objective, my (greatest, all-encompassing, un-suppressable) priority- IAMAFAG.

I would not abandon my readers...erm..possibly reader,singular, may be less of an exaggeration. So I have chosen Marlboro Blue to test for its roadworthiness, vigor and virility (though virile in the sense of 'tough shit', not in the fertile, masculine, sperm-filled sense.. right) Think of it as a step back in my attempts to lose my bias toward Marl if you will, you pessimistic hag, or as a touching-base retracing back to my roots type movement...mm.

Although I swear to myself bi/tri/quad/hexi?weekly to NEVER purchase cigarettes from anywhere but the nasty big grocery/retail joints aka woolworths, I forgie myself when Night Owl is oh so much closer, i'm there buying lollies anyway, and the $2 extra a pack can go suck it when I need a cigarette. Like a bull at a gate, no reinforced steel or electric fence is sure to stop me.

So night owl takes my money, I take their cigarettes and an assorted baggie of lollies. Done. I see it as winning, even though each credit card statement brings me closer and closer to financial ruin (not far away now) and ultimate suicide.

Eventually I remember my original sunday aim-not lollies, not just to leave the house (though sunday daytime television had me teetering dangerously close to the edge of self-destruction) and not even exclusively to buy cigarettes. No, more than that, my sunday aim was to acquire a fresh new range of stationary from Office Works. Nice.

In an attempt to 'fully psyche up' for the commencement of my bridging course, I thought a new eraser and a sweet set of highlighters would surely start me off on the right foot. Office works is a mecca not only for roaring school children seeking out more more MORE coloured textas and the bendiest ruler money can buy, but also for such hopeful, possibly deluded types as myself.

Something about the wide open spaces inside Office Works always gets my heart a pounding and my head filled with hope and belief in the glory of living. No exaggeration. The aisles and aisles of dedicated (though often overpriced) goods makes me froth. Zoo eat your heart out.

My pulse quickens as I pass tresstle tables packed with colour-coordinated office organisation equipment. "You dont need it, you DONT NEED IT" I repeat to myself in order to avoid falling for a beautiful new $49 leather-bound diary (which i would only fill with pictures of boobs and song lyrics that probably dont exist anyway)..When passing by the post-its and pushpins i avoid eye contact and quicken my pace ("no, resist, you must RESIST")..
Finally i arrive at the pencil, eraser and pen aisle. easy right? At this point I take a moment to wipe the sweat off my brow and contemplate just how close i came to maxing out my credit card on an assortment of 'oh so pretty' stationary goods. Phew.

("hey ma, Missy's gone bonkers, she's sposta be writin' 'bout fags n now she's ramblin' on 'bout farkin paperclips!!") Yes I am very aware I have fallen off topic.

Back on the horse eh? Right so where were we? Right so the POINT of this was to say that after Officeworks I somehow decided to drive to ipswich. Look i dont know why, ok. I was just on the M5 and didn't feel like getting off. AND here's the segue, while driving on the good ole Centenary Highway, I once again had an opportunity to thoroughly try and test my Blues. To wrap this all up into a raggedy and slighty frazzled bow, I am happy with what I found. Here we go...

• Attractivness of Pack- As I have previously stated, Marlboro packs are a little like steamed rice. Arrowroot biscuits. Boiled broadbeans. Mischa Barton. Plain. Unremarkable. However "hip hip horray" for blue. Blue Blue Blue here's to you. I really do enjoy blue. 3 out of 5 malignant tumours

• Smoothness and Flavour- mmmhmm that's good tabacco. Soft enough flavour to offer a gentle caress through the mouth and into the lungs, though gutsy enough to remind you you're killing yourself. The smoothness is questionable however, not harsh by any means but slightly bumpy on the exhale. Is it just me or is there a hell of a lot more 'smoke' in these cigarettes than usual? Again it could simply be the direction of the wind or the play of the evening light, but i feel like more of a billowing smoke-stack than i'm used to. BUT all this said, if you smoke, you smoke, so I cant be whinging about the...erm...smoke. AND it makes me feel even cooler, when my exhaled smoked curls up around my eyes, I take on a watery, squinty-eyed look and instantly resemble an uber cool audrey hepburn or, probably more of a resemblance here, a cranky John Daly. All said, 4 out of 5 should do it.

• Burning Time- enough time to light, drag, ash, indicate, turn up music, skip track, turn up music more, adjust mirrors, drag, death stare bogan in ute, ash, drag, indicted, accelerate, turn music up, repeat track, drag, indicate, brake, merge, check speedo, ash, drag.. you get it. Long. Good. Happy times. 4.5 out of 5.

• Lingering Taste- AAAOOOOOOOOOOOOooo oooo oooo. alright ya. No, I haven't chewed tabacco before, but let's pretend I have. I would imagine that little bits of it would get stuck in your teeth, allowing you to taste that shit long after it's been "pah taaaanged" out of your mouth in an almighty spit..The flavour from a Blue is similar to the flavour i imagine from a good ole chomp on tabacky. SO yes. Impressive lingering taste. 4.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

MARLBORO BLUES AVERAGE SCORE: like 4.

*Dear Reader. I am frightfully aware that my ratings have all basically been rounded to about 4. I am also aware that a rating system out of 5 might not have been the best way to accurately judge such a broad variety of cigarettes. If you have a problem with this, that makes two of us. As I have said to all who have complained, i'm saving the 1's and 2's out of 5's for when I get desperate and hit up the real dodgy brands. I'm talking Horizon 40's. Longbeach. Enough to make me gag and cough in preparation for what my lungs are yet to endure. But i'm steadfast. I'm dedicated. I'm on a mission, call me Apollo 21 for fuck sake just believe that I will not stop until I sink my scraggly fingers deep into every pack of sssshmokes out there.*

Now that's all cleared up, bye.

Missy.

I AM A FAG V

Well, after neigh wins (get it? nay? no? 'neigh'? horse noise? oh shit let me just give myself a farking medal for that pun) on the Cup today, I find myself in serious need of umm a bit of exercise?fresh air?a long piece of noosed rope? um no believe it or not, a cigarette. wow. Right out of left field that one...

Let me set the scene-
TAB. Kenmore Tavern. Rozzle. Beside me nursing a $50.50 winning slip. Me. Suicidal. Deep within the blackhole-esque vortex of depression. Close to tears. In Debt to ANZ $40. Thinking "ok break the window and plunge a large sharp shard of glass into my heart? Barge myself head-first into the TAB counter? Make a mad dash and throw myself before the 444 on Moggill rd? Or the worse imaginable suicide ever-A grangus/mangus/fangus feast at McDonalds?"

But no. I fought off the intense urge to decapitate myself with my in-debted credit card and almost contained my disappointment.
"Rozzle I'm going for a fag"....and in my ear, a smug voice of a (thank god) stranger says "cigarettes are bad for you, you know?" Hardy ha ha. Just then my suicidal thoughts temporarily turned murderous. Once again, and self-kudos for this, I resisted. Powered on if you like.

Talk about rambling...
ANYHOW, the transition back onto topic- Benson and Hedges Smooth.

Now the Grates say 'lies are much more fun' but i'll be truthful- B&H smooths were my victims previous to the last two reviews. However i simply overlooked them. So i'll rate those brutes now.

Initially, i'm literally in awe at their packaging. Crisp. Pristine. Insert additional synonyms here. Simply put, they look pretty. Gold makes me feel glamorous, sought after, blessed with many a wonderful material posessions, like Rose Porteous and her mansionfull of shoes. errrrr. Gold makes me think of Goldfinger. Goldfinger makes me think Bond. Bond makes me think Daniel Craig. And it all gets very explicit from here on.

The shrink wrap is purely disasterous. Flimsy. The kind of thin plastic film that becomes static and sticks to you and makes you all too flustered really. The position of the pull tab is just gay. Though when you battle past this, you again are able to marvel at the pack. mmm.

Inside, the cigarettes take form. No complaints about the foil. Nothing commendable or unique about the design of the cigarettes themselves.
First drag-Not bad....my expectations were low. All the B&H smokers i've ever met are shallow, dimwitted, ugly, possibly ranga, cranky, have a bad vocabulary, have issues, smell odd, speak without charisma, dress like it's halloween 24/7, use the word "bullshit" to describe any phenomenon (positive or negative) , and finally, are unable to admit that they ARE lesser of a human being because they smoke B&H.

So with all that said, the cigarette left me feeling rather indifferent.
Now down to the scientific analysis-

• Attractiveness of Pack- Impressive. Like a big pile of reduced to clear goods at the local fruit shop. Like 185's on Colin's wheels. Like Dan Salami (umm NO not a typo). 4.5 malignant tumours out of 5.

• Burning Time- Average, if anything a little bit quick. And we all know that let-down feeling when things are over and down with a little bit too quickly.. hm... 2.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Smoothness and Flavour- Shit all flavour. Too smooth. Packed with tabacco or shredded loose-leaf paper? 2.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Lingering Taste- You say that as if there was a taste initially. nudda. nothing. zip. 1 out of 5 malignant tumours.

BENSON AND HEDGES AVERAGE SCORE : 2.625 (Nice clean number eh?) We can round it down to 2.5 really, i mean really. really.

Well that's it for another day. Since i'm $40 down as of 2pm today i might ease up on the cigarettes the next week.

'lol'. cracked a funny.

*insert shameless self-promotion here* If you like this shizz, let's chat. On FB- Missy Chapple.

Ta,

Missy.

I AM A FAG

So I find myself out of a job and out of Uni (much like one 'finds' a G&T on the bar when Sleezy McDrunk looks longingly/drunkenly towards the pulsating, oscillating, gyrating females on the dance floor and momentarily overlooks his paid for drink being snatched savagely away by a thirsty.. um.. me) .. and in an epiphenal moment, find inspiration to have a hobby more promising than Farmville. Smoking forms a regrettable part of my daily life (I only say regrettable to keep you 'quit smoking' naggers at bay) and until now Marlboro Golds have been my bread and butter. HOWEVER, in light of the my epiphany, I take on an oath to personally test and rate all cigarette brands, strengths and variations available.

Why?

Because they say variety is the spice of life. And I figure that although smoking kills, so do cheese supreme Doritoes and 3-ply toilet paper, and who cant admit to a bit of dabbling in these wicked tempations at one time or another?

I will be judging each cigarette on the following criteria-

• Attractiveness of pack-including ease of opening, durability in your bag, protection against beer spills etc..
• Burning time-some sneaky bastard cigarette companies think they can burn away my hard-earned Centrelink money much too quickly
• Smoothness and flavour
• Lingering taste

Each cigarette will be rated out of 5 Malignant Tumours.. 1 being the worst, 5 being the best (contrary to what Oncologists tend to suggest)..

So, smokers and haters of smoking alike, appreciate the extended life, long deep breaths and average chance of illness I am sacrificing to put an end to the age old question- Which cigarette is the shit?

Keep you posted.
Missy.