I AM A FAG VIII

It's days like these that make me believe that there is a god and he is pumping my veins with heroine (NB No, this is not an admission to a belief in a higher power. Agnosticism still shits on any sort of belief system not centred around looting and sacrificing animals.)

Everything went my way. Bing. zoom. everything pleasant that could have happened, did.
a) I woke up, alive, even after a full night of torturous dreams (vanessa amarossi songs on repeat, 85year old men driving '88 datsuns in front of me, the closest overtaking lane kilometres ahead, and general knife-wielding, guns-blazing, punani-raping, ugly children nightmares you have from time to time.)
b) I craved avocado and tomato on vita-wheat crackers, and what do you know, the avocados were ripe and ready to mung on. Nice
c) Leaving Lismore at the nice ripe time of 9pm meant zero-to-less-than-zero traffic on the roads.
and d) I FINALLY FOUND A CIGARETTE WITH THE PROMISE OF RIVALING MARLBORO. But really. REALLY.

Name? Choice-how appropriate, (soon they may be my everyday choice eh? )
While perambulating around Lismore Central Woolworths, cracking my knuckles in a 'i-need-a-cigarette' way, I thought it would be appropriate to a) take advantage of the 20cent-ish discount generally found on cigarettes in NSW and b)choose my next victim for testing, as my Pall Malls were all but gone.

Scanning my eyes over the myriad of 'pretty colours' aka poisonous cigarettes, I instinctively dropped my eyes down to the price-tag ("WOW, coles brand cashews are 0.02c less per 100g than Nobby's Nuts, SCORE") and found a price in the single digits. $9? fo serious? Nice. And so "pack of Choice Silvers thanks"left my lips and a delicious new pack of ciggy babies (ew) left the register lad's hands into mine.

First impression? "Veni vidi vici?" wtf? The same Marlboro crest and motto blazened the pack. WHAT? AND in addition, "Phillip Morris" as the company which produces them... I smell a rat. It's almost as if (and like i know i'm right) 'Phillip Morris' make cigarettes packaged as both Marlboros (for $12 a pack) AND Choice (for $9)....The moral? (said in deep southern-American accent) "Hell yeaah ma i just saved me 25% at the checkout."
-Shove that in your pipe and smoke it Coles Dollar Dazzlers Woolworths Red spot Bi-Lo big brand sales..

With this new discovery, i just dont see any possible way life could get better. So this is what they call nirvana. Nice.

I'd like to say that I have thoroughly tried and tested these cigarettes all day. My favourite passtime just so happens to be freeway driving in conjunction with chain smoking-nothing else in life gives me such pleasure. No nothing. No not even that. Nothing.
Playing "empty" with Colin and thanking him with ever extra 10kms he powers on, long after the empty light has come flashing on. The "Chinderah Service Centre 21kms" sign gives me new hope. Cheap thrills idealising actually arriving at the petrol bowser without the needle on the petrol gauge truly sitting well below 'E' . Cheaps thrills indeed.

So with Colin having half a belly-full of Ethanol-Fuel mix and me a belly and a half full of double-shot-skinny-flat-white-no-sugar-thanks, we're on the road again.

The joy I gain from night driving can be put down to the false sense of security i get thinking 'ah it's night, no police would be so foolish as to cross me this evening'..... Something so empowering about driving that sneaky 12kms over the speed limit that gets your heart a racing and your egotistical head growing second by second. But undoubtedly THE MOST satisfying aspect of night driving is seeing the orange glow of cinder fly out my window when I ash. Like a personal fireworks display. hm.

Ok so enough anecdotes and into the serious stuff.

• Attractiveness of Pack- Meh. Nothing special. But the Marlboro-esque seal and straight-up honest 'take me or leave me' attitude of silver colour wins points for blatent obviousness. Nothing more than a 3 out of 5 malignant tumours however.

• Burning Time- Fine. As good as Marlboros (did i fucking mention i'm convinced they're the same cigarette??!!) 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Smoothness and Flavour- Smooooooth as 007 (if these cigarettes had a pair of arms and a shaken-not-stirred martini in its grip I am sure it could bed me within 4 seconds flat). Flavour is milder than i prefer, though of course this is only to be expected from light/fine/pissy/man-boy/girly/virgin-bride cigarettes. However not bad, a leader among it's class. To refer back to a previous simile, it's "like sucking fresh air (BUT with the kick of a small mule) through a straw"....They easily rate 4 out of 5.

• Lingering Taste- Well to be honest the taste had little-to-no time to linger at all before another cigarette was shovelled hastily into my mouth (sorry, but the rule while driving is a new cigarette for every overtake/reflector pole/tree/roadsign...) so I dont really have much of an idea... However the tabacco can still be tasted through the kick of caffeine and after deliriously singing along to Darryl Braithwaite, AFI, Ball Park Music ( www.myspace.com/musicfromtheballpark ), Smashing Pumpkins, Regina Spektor, and an assortment of (very compatible and similar. ha) artists on my most current driving compilation....So kudos for that. 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

AVERAGE SCORE FOR CHOICE FINES: about 4. 'now we're talking'

Well now i am almost ready for bed. With a bellyful of McCafe Hot Chocolate (with marshmallows thank you very much) and a sinful serve of Chocolate jaffa cake (for DINNER non the less) there is little more contentment i can gain from this evening.

Until next time, I command you all to enjoy the rest of your weekend and 'dont do anything i wouldnt do'. Which basically rules out anything educational, enlightening or any positive contribution to mankind.

Later,

Missy.