I AM A FAG XVIII

So listening to Jayer's new album (thanks brock) and digesting a sick-as mango, i feel rather enticed to write write write. (Since it's the only sure-fire way to ensure my rambling rambling does not go unnoticed.. oh and wouldn't that be a total shame? nice)

I am in a state of panic to be really honest. No, i havent lost my mind through a leak in my skull (though perhaps that explains it...) and no, Krudd hasn't booty called me and i only have 30minutes to prepare for my guest. I have once again slipped disappointingly behind with ma bloggin'. Now for a normal person, this fact might influence me to umm smoke less and therefore fewer blogs would be necessary. Well you'd think that. But 'normal' is the operative word in that sentence. Oh but dont even get my started on self-shunning and slaughtering. then we would in fact be here all night, rather than just a few wasted hours..

So as i line up my smoked-and-sexed packs, i have an interesting mixed-grill-smorgasboard-all-you-can-eat-like selection. And closing my eyes and groping relentlessly into the dark (funny you should bring that up..) my hands landed eagerly on a pack of Vogue Superslims Menthol. And because i DO have so much catching up to do, and no real order or organisational skills exist in my being, i will start right here.

Like their sister, Vogue Blues, Vogue Menthols have an alluring appeal and sex-factor with a likeness to a Ralph magazine and track 12 on the White Album. Their slight build and lean design scream obscenaties while having the unstoppable ability to get me on the floor. EF. And with the addeded kinky hint of menthol, they make for a purely pleasureable long-night-in, or long-drive-south ;)

(p.s i cannot help my slight turn towards sexual inuendo and explicity... John Mayer is crooning so seductively as we speak, and as my shorts moisten and my breath gets heavy, you must forgive me for turning G into MA to R. sorry. )

..

As i was saying before my um peak, (ew) Vogue Menthols deliver as satisfyingly and sufficiently as a late night booty call and a bottle of gin. Their thinness is not a flaw and rather an unsuppressable appeal. They offer a taste of 'what chu got' and a hit of 'what i want'. I will unshamebly use such words as 'cute' and 'deary' to descibe their character. Babies-first-cigarette type shit. And my comments may make you sprint to the bathroom in a vomit-worthy rush, and have Docs appearing unannounced on my door step, but i shall not surrender my claims. These babies are darling. Really gorgeous. I wont attack them for their pussiness because although they are clearly a female-target cigarette, they still kick surprisingly hard and rough. A little like a lesbian with a strap-on.

Now John Mayer's new album seems to be as mellow as a post-man on christmas day and as slow as the 444 in peak traffic, but it is a fine accompaniment to a Vogue or 8 and a mild spring night. Listening to him melodically pleasure me sort of makes me want to fall-in-love-all-over-again, or at least reduce my cynicism toward the disgusting phenomenon that is coupling and relationships. In conclusion i would date Jayer, or he's best non-asian impersonater if the chance ever arose. yes.

So Let's perhaps choose a number between 1 and 5 to sum up the quality of these faggies.


Attractiveness of Pack- As i have said with Vogue Blues, Menthols also have a supermodel appeal and legs-11 bang that is irresistable. Elegantly printed with wisps of green, these cigarettes outwardly represent exactly how 'pretty' their contents are, and offer an insight into their very delicate flavour. Although the pack's attractiveness is redundant after a toss in my hangbag or slight spill of beverage, it's delicacy doesnt flaw them, rather reminds me to be gentle with these little suckers. It's as if these cigarettes single-handedly remind me how to care and love, as if they calm my violent ways and take me back to a time when i wasnt comparable to a raging maniac with homicidal tendancies. 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

Smoothness and Flavour- As smooth as the post-botox face of a hollywood trophy wife, as flavourful and tasteful as a censored eminem song (yes fyi i do consider that that fellow has a whole lot of taste hidden deep down inside his outer shell of vulgarity..) Offering a swig of menthol in a mixer of tabacco, Vogues satisfy all my tastebuds.. 4 out of 5 maliigy tumies.

Burning time- With a slightly faster burning time than their accomplacies Vogue Blues, Menthols disappear a little too quickly. However, given their dimensions, i cant be too harsh on them. After all, it's rude to laugh at a skinny girl struggling to keep her head up and carry her feet (or so i have learnt...) All considered, i shall award 3.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

Lingering Taste- The tabacco is quickly MIA in the mouth after the inhalation of the last drag, but the fresh menthol taste hangs around for celebratory drinks and drunken shenanigans. 3.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

AVERAGE SCORE FOR VOGUE SUPERSLIM MENTHOLS- 3.75 out of 5 malignant tumours.

Ooh Ooh Baby, rather satisfying (fucking fucking fucking like Britney the other night. NB that i haven't even bothered to begin to talk of her concert because i know deep deep within my heart of hearts that once i start to rave about her brilliance and total babeness i will not stop. ever. ever. i would need sedation and possibly a ripping-out-of-the-vocal-chords just in order to shut the fuck up. Which in fact wouldnt actually be that bad of an idea for all those unlucky enough to be within earshot of me or answering their mobile when i'm on a rant....)

Well with the prospect of waking up in the morning at 6 am deterring any inclination i have to go to sleep, and the sickening dread of getting back a (no doubt, too late now) big F on my chem exam, I shall now leave you and engage in another form of procrastinatory activity. Hello mister V.... oh ew ew.


Night night to all, remember to put the cat out. set your alarm. close your blinds. kiss yo baby goodnight. pack your lunch for the morning. leave 2 pennies out for the milkman....


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missy.