I AM A FAG X

With the official 40th Birthday of Sesame Street being celebrated today, I am honoured to contribute to the festivities with a fresh dose of iamafag- what more child-friendly, educational topic to be preaching about than cigarettes on a day like this? The Count taught us the various numerals between 1 and 100, Cookie Monster subliminly taught our future pot-heads how to satisfy our weed munchies as quickly and efficiently as possible, and big bird taught us that anything large and yellow should be embraced and befriended, and should not be peeled, sliced and blended with natural yoghurt and a drizzle of honey, or even used as an educational aid for demonstrating how to put on a condom.

That said, I'd like to think that iamafag will go on to teach many pure eager-eyed children not only about the glory of time consumption, but also the beauty, elegance, satisfaction, PLEASURE, brilliance, happiness and joy of our blessed cigarette industry.

"here here"...

This morning I purchased Winfield Blues (in addition to buying washing powder, gee it's good having clean underwear again...) Sticking to the 'blue' theme, I thought this a logical step forward in my experiment. Brandishing phrases on its pack like "The Genuine One" and "Force No Friend, Fear No Foe", I was preparing for "waltzing matilda" and an army of Australian Military Soldiers to come rampaging from the pack as soon as i flipped the top. Disappointment. I sure silenced them...

Now I am not the type to 'take the piss' out of Australia, afterall, I was but one home-sick moment away from getting the Southern Cross tattooed on my left shoulder blade when i was overseas rather than my more sensible, pretty choice. And I am bang quick sharp on most questions offered in the theme of Australiana in trivia questions. BUT the fact that Winfield's are "a decent smoke with that same recognisable Aussis taste" in every smoke doesn't necessarily push my buttons. float my boat. raise my flag. hit the spot.. you know.

That said, I kept my mind as open as Pammy's legs. *all together now- SNAP.
So, this is what I found..

• Attractiveness of Pack- The 3D "blockbuster" NOW IN CINEMAS 'title' aka name on the front is a little OTT. As is the ridiculously textured background and the shameless self-promotion decorating every spare square mm of the pack. (not that I am at all opposed to shameless self promotion...) But i'll give it to them, the nasty health authorities have forced their sinful warnings on 3 of the 6 faces of the pack, kudos to Winny for squeezing every penny out of the rest of the space available to them on the pack. This all said, any visual that distracts me from the dying child, rotting lungs, toxic chemical, diseased eye, lardy shit being squeezed from an aorta shamelessly splayed on the pack only contibutes to my stubborn resistance to any desire to quit. Take that government health authorities... Let's say 3 out of 5 malignant tumours, if only for trying. hard.

• Smoothness and Flavour- I dont know quite what Winfield means by 'aussie flavour'-i imagine smoking a thong, kangaroo or VK Holden wouldnt quite compare.. Though I can identify a unique tang that i haven't experienced in other cigarettes. Whether or not this slightly caramel, slightly roast-lame flavour comes from the sweat of 'true blue aussie' workers labouring endlessly over at the tabacco factory is for you to decide. The cigarette is admittedly enjoyable, offering a smooth exhale and a pleasant buzz. This one's getting 4.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Burning Time- Hasty. Swift. *chatty ex-friend approaches "sorry i.. umm.. have to go i have.. umm. an appointment with... umm... my gynecologist....." *sprints erratically in the opposite direction. That sort of thing. It's as if this cigarette is so eager to leave me it would rather self-destruct at a phenomenal rate than linger in my presence a second longer. Rather than take offence to this, I say 'eff youuu'. 1 out of 5 malignant tumours. "TAKE THAT WINFIEEEEEEEELD!"..

• Lingering Taste- Much like the cigarette itself, the flavour really doesnt like to hang around. Doesn't stick around to clean up the beer bottles after the party. Doesn't stay for breakfast. Doesn't call you tomorrow.......sigh. (would a conversion to priesthood or lesbianism help me?.. what?) .... umm so yes taste, taste. It's all gone quicker than the fag itself. 1 out of 5 mlgnnt tmrs.

So although it looked like Winny Blues were gearing up for a decent score, BOOM they desend into oblivion more quickly than my falling bank balance...

AVERAGE SCORE FOR WINFIELD BLUES: 2.375.... umm let's say 2.

So here my creativity and writing stamina has shrivelled up and failed like Mr. Uh-Oh's* member when presented with a nice, young, supple asshole.

*Not his real name.

Now i'm not forcing anyone, not weilding whips and handcuffs, but I would really really really really really really really really really appreciate if YOU show some appreciation if you like what you read..Follow me? Send me a valentine? stalk back and forth past my bedroom window in the wee hours of the morning? In summary, show me some love.......

Til next time baby,

Missy.

I AM A FAG IX

Hoy Hoy.

As a leopard never changes its spots, I too must admit my inability to change mine.
Now please dont take this as an admission to being spotty. No, I dont have herpes/measles/liverspots..
I am simply stating that I have reverted back to my good ole Marlboros. tsk tsk. BUT, with a twist, of course, as i never once approach a cigarette counter without thinking long and hard about my life objective, my (greatest, all-encompassing, un-suppressable) priority- IAMAFAG.

I would not abandon my readers...erm..possibly reader,singular, may be less of an exaggeration. So I have chosen Marlboro Blue to test for its roadworthiness, vigor and virility (though virile in the sense of 'tough shit', not in the fertile, masculine, sperm-filled sense.. right) Think of it as a step back in my attempts to lose my bias toward Marl if you will, you pessimistic hag, or as a touching-base retracing back to my roots type movement...mm.

Although I swear to myself bi/tri/quad/hexi?weekly to NEVER purchase cigarettes from anywhere but the nasty big grocery/retail joints aka woolworths, I forgie myself when Night Owl is oh so much closer, i'm there buying lollies anyway, and the $2 extra a pack can go suck it when I need a cigarette. Like a bull at a gate, no reinforced steel or electric fence is sure to stop me.

So night owl takes my money, I take their cigarettes and an assorted baggie of lollies. Done. I see it as winning, even though each credit card statement brings me closer and closer to financial ruin (not far away now) and ultimate suicide.

Eventually I remember my original sunday aim-not lollies, not just to leave the house (though sunday daytime television had me teetering dangerously close to the edge of self-destruction) and not even exclusively to buy cigarettes. No, more than that, my sunday aim was to acquire a fresh new range of stationary from Office Works. Nice.

In an attempt to 'fully psyche up' for the commencement of my bridging course, I thought a new eraser and a sweet set of highlighters would surely start me off on the right foot. Office works is a mecca not only for roaring school children seeking out more more MORE coloured textas and the bendiest ruler money can buy, but also for such hopeful, possibly deluded types as myself.

Something about the wide open spaces inside Office Works always gets my heart a pounding and my head filled with hope and belief in the glory of living. No exaggeration. The aisles and aisles of dedicated (though often overpriced) goods makes me froth. Zoo eat your heart out.

My pulse quickens as I pass tresstle tables packed with colour-coordinated office organisation equipment. "You dont need it, you DONT NEED IT" I repeat to myself in order to avoid falling for a beautiful new $49 leather-bound diary (which i would only fill with pictures of boobs and song lyrics that probably dont exist anyway)..When passing by the post-its and pushpins i avoid eye contact and quicken my pace ("no, resist, you must RESIST")..
Finally i arrive at the pencil, eraser and pen aisle. easy right? At this point I take a moment to wipe the sweat off my brow and contemplate just how close i came to maxing out my credit card on an assortment of 'oh so pretty' stationary goods. Phew.

("hey ma, Missy's gone bonkers, she's sposta be writin' 'bout fags n now she's ramblin' on 'bout farkin paperclips!!") Yes I am very aware I have fallen off topic.

Back on the horse eh? Right so where were we? Right so the POINT of this was to say that after Officeworks I somehow decided to drive to ipswich. Look i dont know why, ok. I was just on the M5 and didn't feel like getting off. AND here's the segue, while driving on the good ole Centenary Highway, I once again had an opportunity to thoroughly try and test my Blues. To wrap this all up into a raggedy and slighty frazzled bow, I am happy with what I found. Here we go...

• Attractivness of Pack- As I have previously stated, Marlboro packs are a little like steamed rice. Arrowroot biscuits. Boiled broadbeans. Mischa Barton. Plain. Unremarkable. However "hip hip horray" for blue. Blue Blue Blue here's to you. I really do enjoy blue. 3 out of 5 malignant tumours

• Smoothness and Flavour- mmmhmm that's good tabacco. Soft enough flavour to offer a gentle caress through the mouth and into the lungs, though gutsy enough to remind you you're killing yourself. The smoothness is questionable however, not harsh by any means but slightly bumpy on the exhale. Is it just me or is there a hell of a lot more 'smoke' in these cigarettes than usual? Again it could simply be the direction of the wind or the play of the evening light, but i feel like more of a billowing smoke-stack than i'm used to. BUT all this said, if you smoke, you smoke, so I cant be whinging about the...erm...smoke. AND it makes me feel even cooler, when my exhaled smoked curls up around my eyes, I take on a watery, squinty-eyed look and instantly resemble an uber cool audrey hepburn or, probably more of a resemblance here, a cranky John Daly. All said, 4 out of 5 should do it.

• Burning Time- enough time to light, drag, ash, indicate, turn up music, skip track, turn up music more, adjust mirrors, drag, death stare bogan in ute, ash, drag, indicted, accelerate, turn music up, repeat track, drag, indicate, brake, merge, check speedo, ash, drag.. you get it. Long. Good. Happy times. 4.5 out of 5.

• Lingering Taste- AAAOOOOOOOOOOOOooo oooo oooo. alright ya. No, I haven't chewed tabacco before, but let's pretend I have. I would imagine that little bits of it would get stuck in your teeth, allowing you to taste that shit long after it's been "pah taaaanged" out of your mouth in an almighty spit..The flavour from a Blue is similar to the flavour i imagine from a good ole chomp on tabacky. SO yes. Impressive lingering taste. 4.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

MARLBORO BLUES AVERAGE SCORE: like 4.

*Dear Reader. I am frightfully aware that my ratings have all basically been rounded to about 4. I am also aware that a rating system out of 5 might not have been the best way to accurately judge such a broad variety of cigarettes. If you have a problem with this, that makes two of us. As I have said to all who have complained, i'm saving the 1's and 2's out of 5's for when I get desperate and hit up the real dodgy brands. I'm talking Horizon 40's. Longbeach. Enough to make me gag and cough in preparation for what my lungs are yet to endure. But i'm steadfast. I'm dedicated. I'm on a mission, call me Apollo 21 for fuck sake just believe that I will not stop until I sink my scraggly fingers deep into every pack of sssshmokes out there.*

Now that's all cleared up, bye.

Missy.

I AM A FAG VIII

It's days like these that make me believe that there is a god and he is pumping my veins with heroine (NB No, this is not an admission to a belief in a higher power. Agnosticism still shits on any sort of belief system not centred around looting and sacrificing animals.)

Everything went my way. Bing. zoom. everything pleasant that could have happened, did.
a) I woke up, alive, even after a full night of torturous dreams (vanessa amarossi songs on repeat, 85year old men driving '88 datsuns in front of me, the closest overtaking lane kilometres ahead, and general knife-wielding, guns-blazing, punani-raping, ugly children nightmares you have from time to time.)
b) I craved avocado and tomato on vita-wheat crackers, and what do you know, the avocados were ripe and ready to mung on. Nice
c) Leaving Lismore at the nice ripe time of 9pm meant zero-to-less-than-zero traffic on the roads.
and d) I FINALLY FOUND A CIGARETTE WITH THE PROMISE OF RIVALING MARLBORO. But really. REALLY.

Name? Choice-how appropriate, (soon they may be my everyday choice eh? )
While perambulating around Lismore Central Woolworths, cracking my knuckles in a 'i-need-a-cigarette' way, I thought it would be appropriate to a) take advantage of the 20cent-ish discount generally found on cigarettes in NSW and b)choose my next victim for testing, as my Pall Malls were all but gone.

Scanning my eyes over the myriad of 'pretty colours' aka poisonous cigarettes, I instinctively dropped my eyes down to the price-tag ("WOW, coles brand cashews are 0.02c less per 100g than Nobby's Nuts, SCORE") and found a price in the single digits. $9? fo serious? Nice. And so "pack of Choice Silvers thanks"left my lips and a delicious new pack of ciggy babies (ew) left the register lad's hands into mine.

First impression? "Veni vidi vici?" wtf? The same Marlboro crest and motto blazened the pack. WHAT? AND in addition, "Phillip Morris" as the company which produces them... I smell a rat. It's almost as if (and like i know i'm right) 'Phillip Morris' make cigarettes packaged as both Marlboros (for $12 a pack) AND Choice (for $9)....The moral? (said in deep southern-American accent) "Hell yeaah ma i just saved me 25% at the checkout."
-Shove that in your pipe and smoke it Coles Dollar Dazzlers Woolworths Red spot Bi-Lo big brand sales..

With this new discovery, i just dont see any possible way life could get better. So this is what they call nirvana. Nice.

I'd like to say that I have thoroughly tried and tested these cigarettes all day. My favourite passtime just so happens to be freeway driving in conjunction with chain smoking-nothing else in life gives me such pleasure. No nothing. No not even that. Nothing.
Playing "empty" with Colin and thanking him with ever extra 10kms he powers on, long after the empty light has come flashing on. The "Chinderah Service Centre 21kms" sign gives me new hope. Cheap thrills idealising actually arriving at the petrol bowser without the needle on the petrol gauge truly sitting well below 'E' . Cheaps thrills indeed.

So with Colin having half a belly-full of Ethanol-Fuel mix and me a belly and a half full of double-shot-skinny-flat-white-no-sugar-thanks, we're on the road again.

The joy I gain from night driving can be put down to the false sense of security i get thinking 'ah it's night, no police would be so foolish as to cross me this evening'..... Something so empowering about driving that sneaky 12kms over the speed limit that gets your heart a racing and your egotistical head growing second by second. But undoubtedly THE MOST satisfying aspect of night driving is seeing the orange glow of cinder fly out my window when I ash. Like a personal fireworks display. hm.

Ok so enough anecdotes and into the serious stuff.

• Attractiveness of Pack- Meh. Nothing special. But the Marlboro-esque seal and straight-up honest 'take me or leave me' attitude of silver colour wins points for blatent obviousness. Nothing more than a 3 out of 5 malignant tumours however.

• Burning Time- Fine. As good as Marlboros (did i fucking mention i'm convinced they're the same cigarette??!!) 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Smoothness and Flavour- Smooooooth as 007 (if these cigarettes had a pair of arms and a shaken-not-stirred martini in its grip I am sure it could bed me within 4 seconds flat). Flavour is milder than i prefer, though of course this is only to be expected from light/fine/pissy/man-boy/girly/virgin-bride cigarettes. However not bad, a leader among it's class. To refer back to a previous simile, it's "like sucking fresh air (BUT with the kick of a small mule) through a straw"....They easily rate 4 out of 5.

• Lingering Taste- Well to be honest the taste had little-to-no time to linger at all before another cigarette was shovelled hastily into my mouth (sorry, but the rule while driving is a new cigarette for every overtake/reflector pole/tree/roadsign...) so I dont really have much of an idea... However the tabacco can still be tasted through the kick of caffeine and after deliriously singing along to Darryl Braithwaite, AFI, Ball Park Music ( www.myspace.com/musicfromtheballpark ), Smashing Pumpkins, Regina Spektor, and an assortment of (very compatible and similar. ha) artists on my most current driving compilation....So kudos for that. 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

AVERAGE SCORE FOR CHOICE FINES: about 4. 'now we're talking'

Well now i am almost ready for bed. With a bellyful of McCafe Hot Chocolate (with marshmallows thank you very much) and a sinful serve of Chocolate jaffa cake (for DINNER non the less) there is little more contentment i can gain from this evening.

Until next time, I command you all to enjoy the rest of your weekend and 'dont do anything i wouldnt do'. Which basically rules out anything educational, enlightening or any positive contribution to mankind.

Later,

Missy.

I AM A FAG VII

With a storm a-brewing, study hanging depressingly over your (yeah not mine, sorry. Lucky me) head, and an eager eye for any sources of procrastination, I am hoping you have stumbled across this, my blog. Let me tell you, I have never been so proud to offer a means of distraction. Ever. "I'll show you UQ, i'll have the last laugh. mu ha ha cough cough splutter die"..
How my life is filled with purpose..

ANYHOW it's time I finally put a bit of a spanner in the works. Menthol. ("AAAAAAH RUN CHILDREN RUN")

Because i believe in honesty and honesty-in-a-bottle aka Beer, I must admit that for a good 4 months of my life Marlboro Menthols were my poison. I still get my dear friends reminding me how ridiculous i am when i confided in them that "i've switched to Menthols because i have a sore throat". nice.

But hear me out. (or go listen to Michael Buble for all i care, do whatever you want. fark.) Menthols have a pop and sizzle unlike your average purely tabacco (plus a few gentle mild ingredients, you know, cyanide, rocket fuel and solidified death) cigarettes.

Breathe in. Feel that coolness? Well, now your throat mouth and lungs are as cool as you are, you fag-guzzling legend. Rock on.

Menthols have a homely aroma that just screams comfort. Warmth. A perfect winter cigarette. Mittens on your hands, menthol in your cells. Second only to shagging on a shag in front of a raging fire, or alternatively and even more orgasmically, a snug pair of undies straight out of the dryer. Moan.

Dont get me wrong, anytime's a good time for menthol time. However after a while, aka 4 or 5 months, a menthol just doesnt hit you like a bus anymore. Not even like a shopping trolley up the ankle. zip nothing nudda. May as well inhale flaming Buttermenthols. sigh.

It's actually very difficult to rate a menthol using the same criteria as my previous brands. The complexity of flavours is almost incomparable, but hey, i'll give it my best shot.

• Attractiveness of Pack- As with other Marlboro strengths, the pack is simple and relatively un-impressive. However, it's minimalist design and easily distinguishable colour coding floats my boat. Just to be fair and HONEST, the only buzz i get from a Marl pack is the knowledge that it contains my dear Marlboros. In an effort to be objective, i rate the pack 2.5 out of 5 malignant tumours as realistically, Marlboro could do much better.

• Burning Time- Nice. Because the tips on Marl Menthols are white, there tends to be an optical illusion making you think you have more cigarette left than you actually do. Tear :( . This said though, the burning time is excellent, offering many drags and countless moments of thorough enjoyment. 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Smoothness and Flavour- Ay. Now you're talking. As i previously tried to explain, it is near impossible to accurately compare a menthol cigarette to your average straight up tru blu yeah yeah fag. Starting with smoothness, Menthols tend to caress the throat, numbing the gums slightly and cooling your respiratory tract. Exhaling through your nose while smoking a menthol borders on orgasmic. The tingle and burn reminds me of the saying ''there's a fine line between pleasure and pain".. Flavour. damnnn. Let's define 'flavour' as 'tasting something' (duh missy you dong) so let's say that you taste A LOT while smoking menthols. Overall it's an impressive balance between zing and pazazz. 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Lingering Taste- reow. Hangs on and on and on. (like, perhaps, a drunk girl- "oh em gee you're going, please dont go baby, stay with me, dont go dont go DONT GO babeeeeeeee"). eh. I like it (not my inner missy, the lingering taste) 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

MARLBORO MENTHOLS AVERAGE SCORE: 3.625. Um. Let's say 4? yeaaaah ok.

So kids, what i should say is "study hard, go on, off you go, heads down, books out. one plus one is two. "

What i will say instead is, i have a carton of Blondes on my floor. help yourself.

Next time fuckkkkers.

missaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I AM A FAG

So I find myself out of a job and out of Uni (much like one 'finds' a G&T on the bar when Sleezy McDrunk looks longingly/drunkenly towards the pulsating, oscillating, gyrating females on the dance floor and momentarily overlooks his paid for drink being snatched savagely away by a thirsty.. um.. me) .. and in an epiphenal moment, find inspiration to have a hobby more promising than Farmville. Smoking forms a regrettable part of my daily life (I only say regrettable to keep you 'quit smoking' naggers at bay) and until now Marlboro Golds have been my bread and butter. HOWEVER, in light of the my epiphany, I take on an oath to personally test and rate all cigarette brands, strengths and variations available.

Why?

Because they say variety is the spice of life. And I figure that although smoking kills, so do cheese supreme Doritoes and 3-ply toilet paper, and who cant admit to a bit of dabbling in these wicked tempations at one time or another?

I will be judging each cigarette on the following criteria-

• Attractiveness of pack-including ease of opening, durability in your bag, protection against beer spills etc..
• Burning time-some sneaky bastard cigarette companies think they can burn away my hard-earned Centrelink money much too quickly
• Smoothness and flavour
• Lingering taste

Each cigarette will be rated out of 5 Malignant Tumours.. 1 being the worst, 5 being the best (contrary to what Oncologists tend to suggest)..

So, smokers and haters of smoking alike, appreciate the extended life, long deep breaths and average chance of illness I am sacrificing to put an end to the age old question- Which cigarette is the shit?

Keep you posted.
Missy.