I AM A FAG X

With the official 40th Birthday of Sesame Street being celebrated today, I am honoured to contribute to the festivities with a fresh dose of iamafag- what more child-friendly, educational topic to be preaching about than cigarettes on a day like this? The Count taught us the various numerals between 1 and 100, Cookie Monster subliminly taught our future pot-heads how to satisfy our weed munchies as quickly and efficiently as possible, and big bird taught us that anything large and yellow should be embraced and befriended, and should not be peeled, sliced and blended with natural yoghurt and a drizzle of honey, or even used as an educational aid for demonstrating how to put on a condom.

That said, I'd like to think that iamafag will go on to teach many pure eager-eyed children not only about the glory of time consumption, but also the beauty, elegance, satisfaction, PLEASURE, brilliance, happiness and joy of our blessed cigarette industry.

"here here"...

This morning I purchased Winfield Blues (in addition to buying washing powder, gee it's good having clean underwear again...) Sticking to the 'blue' theme, I thought this a logical step forward in my experiment. Brandishing phrases on its pack like "The Genuine One" and "Force No Friend, Fear No Foe", I was preparing for "waltzing matilda" and an army of Australian Military Soldiers to come rampaging from the pack as soon as i flipped the top. Disappointment. I sure silenced them...

Now I am not the type to 'take the piss' out of Australia, afterall, I was but one home-sick moment away from getting the Southern Cross tattooed on my left shoulder blade when i was overseas rather than my more sensible, pretty choice. And I am bang quick sharp on most questions offered in the theme of Australiana in trivia questions. BUT the fact that Winfield's are "a decent smoke with that same recognisable Aussis taste" in every smoke doesn't necessarily push my buttons. float my boat. raise my flag. hit the spot.. you know.

That said, I kept my mind as open as Pammy's legs. *all together now- SNAP.
So, this is what I found..

• Attractiveness of Pack- The 3D "blockbuster" NOW IN CINEMAS 'title' aka name on the front is a little OTT. As is the ridiculously textured background and the shameless self-promotion decorating every spare square mm of the pack. (not that I am at all opposed to shameless self promotion...) But i'll give it to them, the nasty health authorities have forced their sinful warnings on 3 of the 6 faces of the pack, kudos to Winny for squeezing every penny out of the rest of the space available to them on the pack. This all said, any visual that distracts me from the dying child, rotting lungs, toxic chemical, diseased eye, lardy shit being squeezed from an aorta shamelessly splayed on the pack only contibutes to my stubborn resistance to any desire to quit. Take that government health authorities... Let's say 3 out of 5 malignant tumours, if only for trying. hard.

• Smoothness and Flavour- I dont know quite what Winfield means by 'aussie flavour'-i imagine smoking a thong, kangaroo or VK Holden wouldnt quite compare.. Though I can identify a unique tang that i haven't experienced in other cigarettes. Whether or not this slightly caramel, slightly roast-lame flavour comes from the sweat of 'true blue aussie' workers labouring endlessly over at the tabacco factory is for you to decide. The cigarette is admittedly enjoyable, offering a smooth exhale and a pleasant buzz. This one's getting 4.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Burning Time- Hasty. Swift. *chatty ex-friend approaches "sorry i.. umm.. have to go i have.. umm. an appointment with... umm... my gynecologist....." *sprints erratically in the opposite direction. That sort of thing. It's as if this cigarette is so eager to leave me it would rather self-destruct at a phenomenal rate than linger in my presence a second longer. Rather than take offence to this, I say 'eff youuu'. 1 out of 5 malignant tumours. "TAKE THAT WINFIEEEEEEEELD!"..

• Lingering Taste- Much like the cigarette itself, the flavour really doesnt like to hang around. Doesn't stick around to clean up the beer bottles after the party. Doesn't stay for breakfast. Doesn't call you tomorrow.......sigh. (would a conversion to priesthood or lesbianism help me?.. what?) .... umm so yes taste, taste. It's all gone quicker than the fag itself. 1 out of 5 mlgnnt tmrs.

So although it looked like Winny Blues were gearing up for a decent score, BOOM they desend into oblivion more quickly than my falling bank balance...

AVERAGE SCORE FOR WINFIELD BLUES: 2.375.... umm let's say 2.

So here my creativity and writing stamina has shrivelled up and failed like Mr. Uh-Oh's* member when presented with a nice, young, supple asshole.

*Not his real name.

Now i'm not forcing anyone, not weilding whips and handcuffs, but I would really really really really really really really really really appreciate if YOU show some appreciation if you like what you read..Follow me? Send me a valentine? stalk back and forth past my bedroom window in the wee hours of the morning? In summary, show me some love.......

Til next time baby,

Missy.

I AM A FAG IX

Hoy Hoy.

As a leopard never changes its spots, I too must admit my inability to change mine.
Now please dont take this as an admission to being spotty. No, I dont have herpes/measles/liverspots..
I am simply stating that I have reverted back to my good ole Marlboros. tsk tsk. BUT, with a twist, of course, as i never once approach a cigarette counter without thinking long and hard about my life objective, my (greatest, all-encompassing, un-suppressable) priority- IAMAFAG.

I would not abandon my readers...erm..possibly reader,singular, may be less of an exaggeration. So I have chosen Marlboro Blue to test for its roadworthiness, vigor and virility (though virile in the sense of 'tough shit', not in the fertile, masculine, sperm-filled sense.. right) Think of it as a step back in my attempts to lose my bias toward Marl if you will, you pessimistic hag, or as a touching-base retracing back to my roots type movement...mm.

Although I swear to myself bi/tri/quad/hexi?weekly to NEVER purchase cigarettes from anywhere but the nasty big grocery/retail joints aka woolworths, I forgie myself when Night Owl is oh so much closer, i'm there buying lollies anyway, and the $2 extra a pack can go suck it when I need a cigarette. Like a bull at a gate, no reinforced steel or electric fence is sure to stop me.

So night owl takes my money, I take their cigarettes and an assorted baggie of lollies. Done. I see it as winning, even though each credit card statement brings me closer and closer to financial ruin (not far away now) and ultimate suicide.

Eventually I remember my original sunday aim-not lollies, not just to leave the house (though sunday daytime television had me teetering dangerously close to the edge of self-destruction) and not even exclusively to buy cigarettes. No, more than that, my sunday aim was to acquire a fresh new range of stationary from Office Works. Nice.

In an attempt to 'fully psyche up' for the commencement of my bridging course, I thought a new eraser and a sweet set of highlighters would surely start me off on the right foot. Office works is a mecca not only for roaring school children seeking out more more MORE coloured textas and the bendiest ruler money can buy, but also for such hopeful, possibly deluded types as myself.

Something about the wide open spaces inside Office Works always gets my heart a pounding and my head filled with hope and belief in the glory of living. No exaggeration. The aisles and aisles of dedicated (though often overpriced) goods makes me froth. Zoo eat your heart out.

My pulse quickens as I pass tresstle tables packed with colour-coordinated office organisation equipment. "You dont need it, you DONT NEED IT" I repeat to myself in order to avoid falling for a beautiful new $49 leather-bound diary (which i would only fill with pictures of boobs and song lyrics that probably dont exist anyway)..When passing by the post-its and pushpins i avoid eye contact and quicken my pace ("no, resist, you must RESIST")..
Finally i arrive at the pencil, eraser and pen aisle. easy right? At this point I take a moment to wipe the sweat off my brow and contemplate just how close i came to maxing out my credit card on an assortment of 'oh so pretty' stationary goods. Phew.

("hey ma, Missy's gone bonkers, she's sposta be writin' 'bout fags n now she's ramblin' on 'bout farkin paperclips!!") Yes I am very aware I have fallen off topic.

Back on the horse eh? Right so where were we? Right so the POINT of this was to say that after Officeworks I somehow decided to drive to ipswich. Look i dont know why, ok. I was just on the M5 and didn't feel like getting off. AND here's the segue, while driving on the good ole Centenary Highway, I once again had an opportunity to thoroughly try and test my Blues. To wrap this all up into a raggedy and slighty frazzled bow, I am happy with what I found. Here we go...

• Attractivness of Pack- As I have previously stated, Marlboro packs are a little like steamed rice. Arrowroot biscuits. Boiled broadbeans. Mischa Barton. Plain. Unremarkable. However "hip hip horray" for blue. Blue Blue Blue here's to you. I really do enjoy blue. 3 out of 5 malignant tumours

• Smoothness and Flavour- mmmhmm that's good tabacco. Soft enough flavour to offer a gentle caress through the mouth and into the lungs, though gutsy enough to remind you you're killing yourself. The smoothness is questionable however, not harsh by any means but slightly bumpy on the exhale. Is it just me or is there a hell of a lot more 'smoke' in these cigarettes than usual? Again it could simply be the direction of the wind or the play of the evening light, but i feel like more of a billowing smoke-stack than i'm used to. BUT all this said, if you smoke, you smoke, so I cant be whinging about the...erm...smoke. AND it makes me feel even cooler, when my exhaled smoked curls up around my eyes, I take on a watery, squinty-eyed look and instantly resemble an uber cool audrey hepburn or, probably more of a resemblance here, a cranky John Daly. All said, 4 out of 5 should do it.

• Burning Time- enough time to light, drag, ash, indicate, turn up music, skip track, turn up music more, adjust mirrors, drag, death stare bogan in ute, ash, drag, indicted, accelerate, turn music up, repeat track, drag, indicate, brake, merge, check speedo, ash, drag.. you get it. Long. Good. Happy times. 4.5 out of 5.

• Lingering Taste- AAAOOOOOOOOOOOOooo oooo oooo. alright ya. No, I haven't chewed tabacco before, but let's pretend I have. I would imagine that little bits of it would get stuck in your teeth, allowing you to taste that shit long after it's been "pah taaaanged" out of your mouth in an almighty spit..The flavour from a Blue is similar to the flavour i imagine from a good ole chomp on tabacky. SO yes. Impressive lingering taste. 4.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

MARLBORO BLUES AVERAGE SCORE: like 4.

*Dear Reader. I am frightfully aware that my ratings have all basically been rounded to about 4. I am also aware that a rating system out of 5 might not have been the best way to accurately judge such a broad variety of cigarettes. If you have a problem with this, that makes two of us. As I have said to all who have complained, i'm saving the 1's and 2's out of 5's for when I get desperate and hit up the real dodgy brands. I'm talking Horizon 40's. Longbeach. Enough to make me gag and cough in preparation for what my lungs are yet to endure. But i'm steadfast. I'm dedicated. I'm on a mission, call me Apollo 21 for fuck sake just believe that I will not stop until I sink my scraggly fingers deep into every pack of sssshmokes out there.*

Now that's all cleared up, bye.

Missy.

I AM A FAG III

Hooked, right? (hooked like that the-only-thing-to-get-me-out-of-bed-today-is-the-thought-of-a-big-fat(or phat)-cigarette-and-a-mega-beer-mug-sized-glass-of-icey-water-because-i-cant-stand-black-coffee-anymore-and-i-always-manage-to-find-the-chocolate-and-pepsi-aisle-at-the-supermarket-but-never-remember-the-milk(or toilet paper for that matter) feeling...

Which allows for a smooth segue onto my next brave victim-Peter Jackson Fine.
I figure the easiest way to appear orderly and organised is to roam throughout all strengths in a particular brand before moving onto the next, yes?

Nothing says 'pussy weak' like silver packaging and the word "Fine" anywhere in the description. But I stay open-minded. The 'fineness' of this cigarette really cannot be exaggerated... like sucking fresh air through a straw almost. BUT that's not to say it's not enjoyed.....even if it means a quick succession of 3 cigarettes rather than 1 for an equal 'sigh, smile and relax' factor.

So let's rate this bitch.

• Attractiveness of Pack- Like previously said, silver sends automatic shivers down my spine as I instantly presume little flavour and little to no strength. But, Silver, hear me out. As a colour I have no problem with you. Really. And in terms of accurately representing the sissy cigarette inside your pack, it does so very truthfully. Same goes about getting 20% more than your average 20's. Kudos for that. Shrink wrap equally as acceptable as PJ Originals. Bonus points however for matching very well with my car (Colin, as the lucky folk to meet him know him as) 's interior. 4 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Time-rather quick burning time, however this could be put down to the fact that I hastily attempt to get my hit from these lighter cigarettes, thus sucking the poor little fellow down too quickly. But still, man up, really. 3 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Smoothness and flavour- as smooth as a fucking freshly waxed and exfoliated leg. And although this is sexy, it can also indicate empty promises and little satisfaction. Flavour is much the same, a little like Smith's new "Vote for Me" flavour range.. as Brock my housemate so succinctly puts it, "Where's the flavour?!!!" 3 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Lingering taste- Poor. I'm sorry, but rather non-existant. When a sip of water eliminates any trace of tabacco, and no one even whinges about your smoker's breath, you know there's something very wrong with your cigarettes. 2 out of 5 malignant tumours.

PETER JACKSON FINE AVERAGE SCORE: 3 out of 5 malignant tumours.

final words? "MAN UP".

until next time.

That is if i'm still alive for my next post. Had a dreadful coughing fit in the cinema last night.

("I can't go more than a few feet without the oxygen tank")

But really, choked on my Chupa Chup. You dreadful sugary bastards. Apologies to all patrons in cinema 2 at Indooroopilly Megaplex last night who had to listen to me rehearse my eventual choking death.

Missy.

I AM A FAG

So I find myself out of a job and out of Uni (much like one 'finds' a G&T on the bar when Sleezy McDrunk looks longingly/drunkenly towards the pulsating, oscillating, gyrating females on the dance floor and momentarily overlooks his paid for drink being snatched savagely away by a thirsty.. um.. me) .. and in an epiphenal moment, find inspiration to have a hobby more promising than Farmville. Smoking forms a regrettable part of my daily life (I only say regrettable to keep you 'quit smoking' naggers at bay) and until now Marlboro Golds have been my bread and butter. HOWEVER, in light of the my epiphany, I take on an oath to personally test and rate all cigarette brands, strengths and variations available.

Why?

Because they say variety is the spice of life. And I figure that although smoking kills, so do cheese supreme Doritoes and 3-ply toilet paper, and who cant admit to a bit of dabbling in these wicked tempations at one time or another?

I will be judging each cigarette on the following criteria-

• Attractiveness of pack-including ease of opening, durability in your bag, protection against beer spills etc..
• Burning time-some sneaky bastard cigarette companies think they can burn away my hard-earned Centrelink money much too quickly
• Smoothness and flavour
• Lingering taste

Each cigarette will be rated out of 5 Malignant Tumours.. 1 being the worst, 5 being the best (contrary to what Oncologists tend to suggest)..

So, smokers and haters of smoking alike, appreciate the extended life, long deep breaths and average chance of illness I am sacrificing to put an end to the age old question- Which cigarette is the shit?

Keep you posted.
Missy.