I AM A FAG XIII

Morning fellow eager beavers. And away we go with the sexually explicit language. Oh Missy you may have set a new world record. (Unlike the measly 200 people that turned out bikini-and-speedo-clad in sydney the other day. Epic failed record attempt guys. Though I understand it would be far more comfortable in an apartment overlooking Martin Place with a pair of binoculars, a box of cheezles, your best pair of ogling eyes and a "Show Me Your Titties" shirt than parading in a newly post-winter early-spring not yet toned and tanned body through the streets of sydney...)

So a new week brings with it a new victim of my scrutiny. Under the recommendation of Ragsy, I fondled my first ever Longbeach Silver cigarette. Painful? not quite. Exciting? Less so. Educating? Yes. I have been waiting for just the right time to "sink" down to the low, commission-home, "sharna go en get ya ma some fags will ya" level of the, let's call it, Horizon/Longbeach income bracket. And though jobless and possibly thieving I technically fit quite comfortably into this socio-economic group, some part of my haggered body still holds it's head above the muck of low-class society and proudly in the "job seeking" not "unemployed" category. Hmph.

With a weekend of excited-colon-syndrome behind me (sorry gayboys, not excited-colon in the prostate-stimulating sense.. rather the more-liquid-than-solid secretion sense. And yet again i have managed to step beyond the threshold of acceptable societal conversation and into the murky, unforgiving depths of vulgarity. Smooth...) , I happily trundled off to Chemistry at 7am on a monday morning with a tall-skinny-flat-white in one hand and a Longbeach Silver in the other. With one eye on left-right-left-right butt cheeks of a nameless hot business woman in front of me, and another on the oh-so-sexy corporate rat walking impressingly beside her, I had all of my senses stimulated. to the extreeeeeeeme. extra large. big time.

Upon first fumbling a Longbeach, my well-seasoned and practiced hand noticed a stiffness and hardness in the cigarette previously unknown to me. (you're thinking it, not me.) Upon lighting, it seems an extra-long pull is needed to really get the darn thing combusting. I deduce that both these factors can be put down to a)tightly-packed tabacco and b)thicker paper. As I had anticipated, there is little kick in this victim. Simply opens the till and hands over the cash. (If you have learnt anything at all from me, it is that 'silver' suggests pussiness/weakness/lightness/mildness/WHERE'D YOU GO, FLAVOUR?) Therefore while I knew what was coming for me, I really was SO surprised at just how mild they really were. hm.

Though here's the twist: These cigarettes burn SO SLOWLY I swear YOU could run twice around the block, while stopping at 7/11 to get me a slush before it's even half-done. Which leads me to think IF ONLY these cigarettes tasted like...umm..cigarettes...then Longbeach would have a brilliant combination of long burning time, and flavour, which spells satisfaction in any language. And in addition, (presuming Longbeach actually has a cigarette in their range with flavour) Longbeach could single-handedly reduce the links in chain-smoking (think of it as lengthening the links, therefore you need less of them, gettttt it?)

WHICH equals less cigarettes munched WHICH equals less money spent WHICH equals less butts strangling our native fish or whatever WHICH, most importantly, equals a satisfied me (harder to come across than an emo with a sense of style).

SO we can say that (Longbeach+flavour) x 20 = Happy Missy + more money + less dead fish.

Said simply, Longbeach have got the batter of a glorious cake, oven pre-heated and cake tin greased, they just need to finish through with half an hour or so at a moderate temperature and a rich glossy icing.
(simply?)

*If you cannot count from 1 to 5, do not proceed beyond this point*

SO, Longbeach Silvers, I hand down my verdict.

• Attractiveness of Pack- Haven't even dabbled in commenting on the visual element of these cigarettes yet, have I? Right, well i'll give them points for trying. AND for being different. The faded light blue/dark blue/grey impression of, wow believe it or not, a long beach on the front offers a pictionary-like description of the product for those who are perhaps slightly illiterate or too damned lazy to read. (can i comment on the irony that the beach on the pack is cigarette-butt free, however have fun trying to find a real-life beach which is butt-less?) ahh. I am impressed, I mean after all, they call an angry mix of bright hues by 'Someone Picasso..' art, so why cant our cigarette industry get away with it? (And in one simple sentence i have managed to show my complete ignorance when it comes to 'art'). 4.5 out of 5 malignant tumours, (the bonus 0.5 for colour matching the barcode to the deep-blue ocean)

• Smoothness and Flavour. As i've quite clearly enunciated, the flavour is barely there. Like a g-string under a tight dress, barely detectable. Smoothness however is optimum. For what it's worth, sometimes all you want is some nice smooth smoke to suck down, not necessarily a tastebudful of "hi my name's tabacco". So dependant on what you're after, it's um not bad. The damn thing still (chemically) satisfies, easing the shakes and steadying the head, even if the tastebuds are screaming for attention. All said, it's diffucult justifying anything over a 3 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Burning time- Nothing more to be said. Has a likeness to a fucking eternal flame. 5 out of 5 malignant tumours (DING DING DING DING WE HAVE OUR FIRST FULL MARKS!!)

• Lingering Taste- And we're back to less-than-perfect. Unfortunately ANY trace of flavour/taste/essence is irradicated after a few short breaths of fresh air and a swallow or two. 1 out of 5 malignant tumours.

AVERAGE SCORE FOR LONGBEACH SILVER: 3.375. (and as usual, my insane passion and dedication for accuracy and precision makes me go 'meh let's call it 3' )

So there you have it, a cigarette with as much promise as a young, impressionable child. So which way will you turn her?

Toward the path of success, of early nights at home with the family, hours spent cowering over textbooks to further her education, a week packed with extra-curricular activities, a low-fat diet, frilled socks and polished shoes, a dollar a week pocket money, a CD collection including Michael Buble and "French beginners", girl-only sleepovers, caffeine-free coke (only on special occasions though, such as the dawn of a new millenium and for the coming of Halle's Comet)....?

OR,

"come on darlin', let's take you down to the TAB now you're old enough to reach the counter. Yeah go grab ya dad a coaster for is beer will ya? Hang on possum just hold on to this nice man's hand while ya daddy goes out to have a fag.... Darl can you take the wheel, i just gotta scratch me balls...........Waddaya mean ya pregnant, ddn't ya ma tell ya to tell ya bloke to always pull out n say 3 hail-bloody-marys after you rooted?...."

Oh the choice is in your hands.

andagainuntilnexttimepleasedontdoanythingiwouldntdo.

Missy.

I AM A FAG XI

Re reoow. Hi hi hi hi hi hi. Excuse me Mr President.

Well what can say? so many cigarettes, so little time.
Since my last post (circa 3 days ago? maybe four if you're lucky..) I have chewed through 3 different brands. So less chat more rating. Down to business. No time for sitting on the boss's desk with my pencil skirt slipping up my thigh ("oh Mr. CompanyDirector you dont really want to fire me...") ... Just into it. Straight in. Like diving under a frothing wave at the beach. No time to appreciate the iciness of the water, head under, no fooling around. No funny business. "Yes please i'll have that coffee before next christmas if you don't mind". *tap tap tap of foot impatiently. "Why yes i AM actually in a hurry.."

Bam. Pall Mall Slims Green. While tsk tsking about the state of our country, (happy couples holding hands, prosperous youth smiling contentendly, old ladies free to walk (crawl, drag along, turtle/snail along) at their own pace..) makes me sick really, I decided i'd hit up Coles for it's finest tabacco. Finest money (um $9) can buy. Because my doctor tells me i'm female, i still have a place in my heart for those skinny slim 'pretty' Pall Mall slims. Subtle targeted marketing which works disgustingly well. AND green=menth menth menthol which ticks me more than Nike. Aaaaoo.

As I realise I have again managed to lose my favourite lighter in the possessed deep dark abyss of my hangbag, I decide to also purchase a mini-Bic to get the fire started.
"whaa colouurrr you waant?" asks Miss Korea at the counter. I laugh incredulously and say "i dont give a shit".. snap. that's what you get for trying to Serve Me Better Coles. Yeah, you'll love it.

Initially I am once again breathtaken by the slender pack's cosy fit in my palm. Curling my fingers tenderly around its smooth exterior, I cradle it toward the exit and immediately undress it from its plastic encassing and fumble greedily for the top. (hey hey hey, it's good enough for Mills and Boon) ...

Prissy, wanky and possibly a little tweeny, it seems these cigarettes must be smoked while humming along to the Ting Tings and must MUST be shared among a group of no-boys-allowed, only freshly-pubescent teenage girls while talking about "how TOTALLY lame Jason was being last night, OH EM GEEE he totally barred me off for COD and i'm SO annoyed because i REAAAAALLY wanted to like take it like further, like i'm like ready to like kiss him and like i even bought new lipgloss and like i asked him to come to the New Moon premier like WITH ME and like now he's making up like excuses and it's so lame cos i just want him to buy me a pink slushy we can like share, yeah i KNOOOW Soph, like it would be the BEST time to start kissing like even before the movie started, like we can share a straw and then he'll lean in and like kiss me and i'll taste sooooo good like cos not only do i have new lipgloss but pink slushies are so totally sweet...."

HOWEVER, I can put an XY twist on this predominately femalesque cigarette-with a beer in my left hand and an almighty belch erupting from the pit of my gut. To be less umm figurative, i overlook the pussiness of the appearance of this cigarette and can take it for its true value-the sweet sweet cool menthol tabacco goodness of its inner core. Never judge a book by it's cover they say, and hell, Stephen King is lucky many eager readers obviously live by this motto, as otherwise 'Misery', with it's cartoon 'angry typewriter' cover would not have sold even a single copy... ... ..

Slim cigarettes take me back to my smoking pre-engrained-habit-life-or-death-i-need-a-fag days... Nights sitting out the back of the One with BB on one side, Zee on the other, puffing happily on a vogue or a dunhill essence... aah. The instant refreshing menthol taste makes me feel like there's a party in my mouth and everyone (oh except him and him) is invited.

The elegantly-styled cigarette is reminiscent of Hollywood golden day movies. Length is obviously an important dimension to have in many every day... errr.. situations. Thinness is apparently admirable. Together they form an unbreakable, porn star team-impressive, desirable and most of all, arousing.

The absence of an orange tip, opting for cloud white from top to filter, is reminiscent of all good menthol brands, and admirable for its streamline and consistent appearance.

It seems there is nothing these cigarettes cant do-soothe the throat, unblock the sinuses, clear the head, refresh the breath and, most importantly, send off a waft of sweetly-scented smoke potent enough to erradicate hayfever and stuffiness for miles around. In addition to their impressive medicinal properties, they offer a buzz close enough to a full-strength cigarette to keep even the most dedicated smokers satisfied and relieved.

Now to convert all these words words words into numbers...

• Attractiveness of Pack- I know I have done a satisfactory job at describing in detail my level of contentment and jaw-dropping impressiveness of the pack in all its glory. It's a big call, but this pack is infallible. Compact while delivering quality. Attractive while remaining solid, sturdy and un-scathed even while wrestling with my wallet, keys, latest novel, plastic knife and fork set, kiwi spoon, cosmetic bag, mirror, brush, perfume, phone, eco-sack, diary, paw paw cream, nailpolish, tissue pack, chewing gum, bobby pins, swiped Gloria Jeans straws, swiped McDonald's straws, swiped commercial/industrial sized roll of toilet paper from the Indroo cinemas (YES, I KNOW, it's a sure-fire sign you need to get a job/money when you're stealing toilet paper) in my bag. So close to perfect it hurts, like a riptide. 4.9999999999 recurring out of 5 malignant tumours. (Just because admitting perfection of anything from me is as rare as me going more than a minute without whinging about something superficial.)

• Smoothness and flavour- The smoothness is comparable to a newly-tarred section of freeway. With your tyres on a recommended 36psi, the drive is bump-free and like sailing on a waveless ocean without a breath of wind... The flavour tingles your tongue nicely, while curving gently downwards into your lungs, drenching them in a coolness otherwise only achievable with Ray Bans and a subscription to Frankie. 4.5 out of 5 malignant tumours.

• Burning time- NOOOOOOOO! well even Miranda Kerr poos. Even the things that appear perfect have flaws. The burning time for Pall Mall Slims is less than impressive. yes yes yes i take into full consideration that these cigarettes are CONSIDERABLY slimmer than traditional cigarettes, it still does not excuse them from the at-least-an-ad-break-long rule:I am shocked and appalled that I can leave The Amazing Race at an ad break to go outside for a smoke and be finished and return before the end of the break! I mean, it is easier for me to blame the excessive duration of ad breaks on Prime, as it's so difficult for me to in any way slander the humble cigarette, but I think in this case I best accept the truth and admit that even this heaven-sent cigarette is flawed. I can only award 2 out of 5 for burning time.

• Lingering Taste- Not impressive really. Menthol cigarettes tend to hang on the breath for longer than a traditional cigarette, however in this case it is the menthol taste alone, and not the tabacco at all, that lingers. Of course I don't have a problem with this, but less lingering taste+quick burning time=more cigarettes smoked times more money divided by available funds (answer being somewhere between -$257 and bankruptcy) 3 out of 5 malighant tumours.

AVERAGE SCORE FOR PALL MALL SLIMS GREEN: 3.6..... Won big points for 'prettiness' and taste as you have seen, but the longevity of the glory is less than impressive. Still, highly recommended regardless of final score. Like a hot-tittied girl with a fugly face, don't totally discount it. Sometimes you have to take the good and the bad, and just paper-bag what you dont like and supplement the flaws with some decent fondling and a bit of imagination... you know..

Well for those who know best, take my advice and run with it.

For those who know I don't actually know what is best, or right from wrong for that matter, stay in school eh?

Til next time, say hi to your mum for me. Well actually she's between my legs so i'll just say hi to her myself. geez.

Vulgarly yours,

Missy.