I AM A FAG XXV

I sit here watching David assemble and erect the christmas tree. "can you help me untangle the beads?".... "Nup, F.O ". Ah it's a family affair. and in doing so, i really am pondering why on earth a)i havent even a slight hint of excitement in me about the impending joy of christmas day and b)why i cant manage to make noise when i fart, rather a silent "poof" of air. Dang. Now of course i'm not a child anymore. (some may beg to differ...) So it is fair to say that i'm not expected to be rosie-cheeked and flustered about the arrival of santa. Yet with the countdown currently sitting on 2 days to go, and (finally) the christmas tree up, i am feeling a little empty.

Surely the thought of all that home-made vino and roast pumpkies galour gets my heart a-pounding? The anticipation of tearing through shrouds and shrouds of wrapping paper to unveil my many gifts should wet my apetite, right? Well maybe the part of my brain locked in realism mode understands that presents will actually be few and far between. Oh well, that's what you get for being a bad daughter/granddaughter/sister....

There is only one rectangular, wrapped and shiny thing i need this christmas time-Yes, even without a gleaming ribbon or delicately patterned paper, a pack of Escort Gold shall do me juuuusst fine.

Now it may seem a little 'farking typical missy' that i gravitate from Easy to Escort, but hey, there's enough sexual inuendo in my mind to power an entire nasa spacecraft. yeah. a lot.

Just like a perfect callgirl/escort, these polished babies have just enough flair to get my funny parts tingling, my mouth (and a certain other orifice) watering, and my throat a-humming 'mmm hmmm'. Giving Billie Piper a run for her money, they exude a sensual aura comparible to an icey-cold schooner of Blonde and a deep plum lipstick. oh. hm. ah. ooooh.

Let's Begin with Attractiveness of Pack- The metallic outer says "mm gurrl you know you wannn ittt" and well yes, you are rather correct to presume i do indeed want it.
Not breathtaking, but as gold, it glitters (mollesting the shit out of an old proverb i see). 3 out of 5 little black fellows in your blood stream (yes we've all seen the ad. it makes you shudder,it makes me smile, i think it's rather cute)

Smoothness and Flavour- Smooth as (i think) i am with a pair of killer platforms and a nice 5 beers under my belt, as flavourful as The Black Keys take on 'She Says' (i actually accept this cover, thought most covers can be likened to taking a giant dump in the original composer's mouth..) A delicious meld of zing, delivering a subtle hint of caramel undertones in a tabacco blend. 4.5 out of 5 sruomut tnangilam

Burning Time- Here we really have time to fool around a bit before the big event. It's comparable to the process of putting on a movie, dimming the lights, rearanging the cushions, caressing foot against foot, holding hands, snuggling, gazing into eachothers eyes, tucking hair behind ear, nuzzling neck, whispering in ear, grazing open palm over semi-erect bump in jeans, kissing bottom lip, introducing the tongue, examaning the oral geography of eachother, strip tease, and on and on and bang... very slow, sensual and satisfying burning time to say the least. And with and Escort this good, you'd want her to hang around. really. 4.5 ouuuta 5. And that's just the foreplay. reow.

Lingering Taste- Like trying to scrub her lipstick off your collar before your wifey gets home, the taste lingers almost unwantedly. See the taste goes through a degradation process that leaves an unpleasant almost bitter flavour in the mouth. The flavour lingers yes, (#do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it lingerrrrr? You know i'm such a foooool forr youuuuuuu, you've got me wrapped around your fingggggeeeeeeerrrrr...# ah the Cranny's....sigh) but it's not at all desirable. umm 3. yes.

AVERAGE SCORE FOR ESCORT GOLDS- 3.75? ..question mark displays my lack of mathematical bother..
Honestly thought we were gearing up for a bigger score than that. oh. Well honestly, fuck numbers off to the kerb, just take my word that if you're ever looking for a late night pick-me-up, Escorts hit ze spot. Hm.


Well, what is there left to say? Merry fucking xmas. Please send all xmas money by registered post to 2/78 Brookfield Rd. In return, you shall get first peak and squeeze (squeeze? squeeze of what? what i'm so confused?)..
yeah you know you want toooo.

You shant hear from me probably until the new year. Oh bless your ashen hearts. You lucky devils.

Christmas love and yuletide cheer to all. (is seven eleven open tomorrow?)

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