I AM A FAG XXII

Well, easy by name, easy by nature they say (who says?) .. and yet rather than rudely stereotyping that tall-lank-busty-blonde next door, i am talking of none other than my newest investment (funny that, an investment without dividends just doesnt quite make sense... hmm.) Easy Original cigarettes. As per usual, they were acquired on a lateish nigh seven eleven trip (or an icecream trip if you must be so politically correc..). With Brock soothing us from the disgracefully glorious heat with his newly-gassed and ever so icey aircon, the ride was comfortable and exhillirating (probably because i knew it was all stations to seven eleven from Baskin Robbins on..)

Now, bravely, if i MUST toot my own horn, i allowed Brock to undertake the all-important task of cigarette selection. It's a sure fire sign of relentless trust and faith when i hand this usually self-completed role over to another being. And what did he choose? Easy. Nice (a little bit of self-reflection there perhaps??)..

Now i was expecting nothing short of dreadful for a mere $8... even at seveneleven this price seems awfully low and dangerously unpromising... 40c a cigarette screams "shit-rolled-in-gummed-paper", yet i kept an open mind and blind faith that i may be satisfied with brock's selection..

Easy is an adjective which can be used to describe the very best things in life. Year 5 Basic skills test (dominated that shit paaoooo). A jog downhill. Or a blind selection of any of the dressed down and open-legged girls towards closing time at various locations around the city. (of course serious beer goggles and an uncaringly throbbing erect penis usually adds to the unfussiness of the selection and disregard for flaws.. So what if she has a beard/BO/testicles....?)

Yet while these cigarettes easily satisfied my cravings, they left me with a feeling of dirtiness and remorse (again, much like many settle-for-less situations in life..) Initially i thought mmm not bad. Followed by umm what am i doing. Finally filthy filthy thoughts of Oh Em Gee flooded my head, when that sobering sense of realisation came around and i had realised the error of my ways.

We all know (well maybe we dont..) the lengths we go to for cigarette-satisfaction when cravings are at their peak. "Oh look there's still a good 2 drags left in that mashed and moist cigarette wedged carelessly in the crack in the footpath.." And so it's very expected that the first few drags of ANY cigarette, regardless of their quality, satisfies my cells. However it is beyond these initial drags that i can accurately guage the actual attributes and flaws of the fag. So although i am always always always left feeling the same carefree fulfilled and orgasmic way after initial draw, it is definitely after i remove my nictotine/tabacco-goggles that i can really come to realise what's going onnnnn.

So, let's get it rolling along nicely with a few numerals and a little bit more ranting.

Attractiveness of Pack- Meh. The design team could have done with a few more beers and/or hallucinogens in their system when brainstorming ideas. It's as if mr tabacco man rocked up to a preschool, picked the most downy-looking child, gave him a blue crayon and barked 'DRAW!!' . The pack lacks any flair, fun or fwaoh. Nothing unique or stirring about their appearance. I am so unmoved and indifferent to them that i cant even justify a score greater than zero. But, for the sake of being nice (ick) i will give them 1 out of 5 malignant tumours, and after all it IS nearly christmas, and as much as i take take take receive steal scab and scam, i should also give.

Smoothness and Flavour- Marks pathetically lost in the pack design are almost recouped in this category, at least for flavour. Subtle yet satisfying, the taste drifts mellowly on a gentle smoke wave through the mouth and into the lungs. The exhale provides a repeat taste sensation, all is not lost in the absorbent cells of lung tissue. Tha said, no matter how hard you drag, the taste is the same. It's as if the flavour reaches equilibrium and there's little you can do to up the ante even slightly. Smoothness=average. Not pleasant enough to sooth you, not harsh enough to shake you to the core. Easy should be renamed average and then we'd have an accurate description. really. Although flavour was there, overall a 2.5 will suffice. unremarkable. hmf.

Burning time- once again the words 'average' 'unremarkable' and even 'mediocre' spring to mind. The cigarette surrenders all too quickly to the power of ze fire. Giving up the fight far too easily. These faggies have a testicle missing and a low sperm count. Underdeveloped biceps and an octave-higher-than-usual voice. Lower than normal levels of testosterone and just a little too much oestrogen. Oh you. faaaabulous. STOP iiit. hey baaabe.... That said i can imagine they would be handy for a quick cigarette break from work (ha what's work?) or, more applicable in my case, a quick dash from train to bus to car, where who can afford the time to hang around waiting for a Marl Red/Gudang Garam/Longbeach to slowly combust? 2.5 out of 5 maligamento tumeros. (NB not actually a language in existence i believe..)

Lingering Taste- well they peak in mediocrity in his category. As quickly forgotten as Scandalus (who!!?) and Casey Donovan, these cigarettes leave only a minor forgettable hint of what was.. and a bitter taste of 'fuck what was i thinking?!'. 2 out of 5.

Average Score for Easy Original- meh something like 2. or 1.75. either way, add that to the pile with Foord's reign as PM and Aaron Carter- shortlived and happily forgotten.


Well with yet another chem+beach day up my sleeve, another friday night penny-pinching by entertaining myself at home passing, and my impending death growing 7minutes closer per fag (apparently..) , i shall leave you in relative peace to make the most of your life while i waste mine. Watching the action from the sideline is serrrrriously underrated, right?

Be seeing your around sonny, keep those pants and chin up and your smile a-blazing.

X

Misery. i mean mushy. Missy. definitely missy.