I AM A FAG XXXII

There's no way better to spend a birthday-eve than with your arms elbow-deep and your knees squelching in 15years of un-washed and abandoned kitchen scum. Now I am not one for hyperbole, but the filth I molested tugged wiped scrubbed scratched begged and pleaded with today was a concoction of dust, dirt, skin cells, dead animals, decomposing food stuffs and the scregs of the nineties and noughties. All cemented together in the deepest crevice-like corners of cupboards and ingrained filthily in the nooks with the shear force of lazy-father syndrome that allowed their build up in the first place.

Many a gags and mouth voms to be had today I can tell you that. Ick.

See my dad is finally translocating his filth from one hell-ridden ghetto shack to another, commendably throwing out a lot of paraphernalia in the process. Kudos. With bi-monthly visits to the Tender Centre, accumulation of a lot of SHIT that of course, at the time, he just NEEDED, right? items include rusted and bent golf clubs, broken/dotted and speckled/fat mirrors, power tools (functional and those in non-working order solely for 'parts', computer monitors (we're talking CRT people, hello), roles of extra-wide commercial use duct tape, tyre tubes, basketball hoops, tents and inflatable mattresses, posters and signs, telephones, cables, plugs, window fittings, car parts, switches and transformers, shoe racks and vacuums, gas bottles, collapsible camp tables, fold up seats, beach umbrellas, cooking utensils, motor bike parts, helmets and tennis rackets, golf balls and ladders, fly screens, curtains, fish tanks and laundry hampers, transistor and UHF radios, poles and rods, wire mesh and steel stakes, pots and vases, shelving and air dryers, beds parts and tin foil....the list goes on.. all stacked haphazardly, disordered and wholly un-used throughout then innards of a trashy Lismore Heights duplex.

Why or HOW a man can allow such a build-up of useless trash is more of a mystery than 'what will Britney's hair colour be this week?'. Hoarders anonymous would have a field day getting to the very root of this man's damaging and expensive hoarding habit. How was I roped into assisting his cleanup effort? Though I would like to say it was from the goodness of my heart, he managed to bribe me- a lift south from Robina station in exchange for a few good hours of elbow grease. Hey, I got out of it easy, my brother has been in that maze going on 3 weeks now. By god I hope his reward is not only rich and monetary but also received STAT! The goodness of my dear brother astounds me, the darl :D

For those of you unlucky enough to have seen first-hand the build up of material waste in his joint (yes I know when you have no where else to stay on a Sat night after the One Missy's Dad's house sounds like sweet refuge, until you acquire tetanus from stepping on a rusty jagged piece of something that may have been a useful metallic object back in its day, and your respiratory tract is now lined and doused in the filthiest carcinogenic dust this side of Chernobyl..

Speaking of carcinogens, my next fag follows suit from my previous two- Brandon Red. My laziness, poorness and sheer curiosity have lead me to follow the Brandon-brick path throughout the entire range detour less (menthol Brandons next, yeep!) Reds offer the promise of kick and longevity, and so I was more than excited while ripping through their plastic outfit to get to their bare skin and bones, rip a long one from the pack, and suck suck suck. .. …. …..

And what did this young miss find you may ask? Well I won’t let you leave with your questions lingering and unanswered, of course…

Attractiveness of Pack- Red red red red. Win win win win. We all know I love red. No surprise I was as impressed with the colouring of this baby as I was with my 5-nights-in-a-row-drunk-for-freeeee effort last week ;) big (And strangely, beautiful) red and luscious, sexy vroom let me jump in and ride. Fast fast and tempting. Sensually revitalising. Sweetly stunning. 4.5 out of 5.

Smoothness and Flavour- As to be expected from reds, the smoothness is sacrificed for that extra kick and bounce needed in a heavier cig. However, I was surprised (as was H. ) at the less-than-normal harshness and in fact, relative mildness. The flavour was there yes, but not as bountiful and stampeding as I have found with other red fags. I really was waiting for my mouth to sizzle, whereas I received a mere singe. Not bad, but not really rough and tough enough for a red. 3 out of 5.

Burning Time- Steadier than their silver and blue brothers thank god, but I am certain that they could possibly afford to hang around a little longer. Come on, Brandon, you’re unemployed and I KNOW you have no where better to be, you may as well hang around and let me fondle and suck you a little while longer? Before I am arrested for cigaphelia, I will cut to the chase. Good but not good enough. Mustang compared to Empire. (If comparison is even able to be made.) 2 out of 5 mal.

Lingering Taste- Really far from impressive, I needed yet another swig of Blonde to wash down what the doctor did not prescribe. There’s a richness missing in the taste of these sticks that really break them in this make or break situation. I do appreciate and praise the attempt of the manufacturers, but really they’re riding the ‘you get what you pay for’ bus rather than the ‘cheap and cheerful’ bandwagon I like to see myself on. 2 out of 5

AVERAGE SCORE FOR BRANDON RED- 2.875.. Rather av, rather accurate for the praise or lack there of I have given. What else is there to say? It’s all up from here. Hm.

Well it has no officially ticked over to the 25th. Being my birthday. 20 years ago my poor midget mother was having her lower stomach sliced delicately through to her womb, and two screaming bloodies beings ripped hastily from within her. There’s some lovely pre-dinner imagery if I’ve ever seen it.. I do like to give her credit for trying, but let’s just say that one of those children should have gone straight from the womb to a gassing chamber and down to the morgue, for hasty cremation and little-to-no ceremony (and I’m not talking about David..) Doing so would have resulted not only in a higher average quality of the human race, but removed the stress Burdon and pain in many a people’s lives. Ah, my self appreciation overwhelms does it not?

Now to retreat into my bed, await the fireworks of my first 20year old fantasy dream. I’ve got my fingers crossed for Scarlett Johannsen and Penelope Cruz’s scene from VCB (though about 10fold sexuality and a lot more chocolate sauce and raspberry jam.. don’t ask..) yet I fear I’ll end up dreaming once again of ex-teachers and their not-so-private private lives. Ew. Have mercy on me.

Love from the 20y.o Misssss.