I AM A FAG XXX

Sitting contentedly at Maccas Coorparoo, tapping into the gloriously underrated resource that is free wireless, I am finally able to release the words phrases curses and vulgarities meandering unchained in my mind... The insanity I feel after a blogless week can only be compared to the state of mind of any person driving a Suzuki or living their life without a steady flow of nicotine- purely satanic and frighteningly lacklustre.

Finally my ranting is once again able to be digitally stored reproduced and raped on the WWW. Phew. Now I sit a little cold and perky, the aircon in here surely chills my silicone and gives these firm babies and extra upward and forward kick. Nice. And I am feeling so very very good about life, although still broke and jobless, I am not yet ready to snap back into the 9 to 5 lifestyle or live with the knowledge I’ve actually earned the $384.33 I receive fortnightly. Ew.

With my newly refunded bond, I find myself with a wad of cash and no sense of financial sense to stop me splashing out on a “fancy pants” pack of yes, TAILORED cigarettes. Well fancy is a little bit of an overstatement, but stepping proudly up from the rollies-gutter, I automatically feel a more worthy human being, having my machine-rolled cigarettes available to me whenever wherever without the least bit of concern about “where’zz ma papers..? Where the fark are my filters...” and so forth.

I’m living the Hollywood lifestyle when all I need is a lighter to get the party started, rather than much fondling and coercing tobacco to get a smoke-worthy product into my lungs ASAP.

The investment of choice- Brandon Blue. Well fuck me, $15 for a 40 pack, yeah you do the math and deliver me a high five for my exceptional bargain shopping skills and umm open-mindedness to try new things. Now I was expecting little more than a peck on the cheek from Brandon, maybe a shhhneaky up-skirt grab if that, but Brandon really had me on the floor with a satisfied and slightly exhausted result.

There really was nothing like waking up next to Brandon when I was used to waking up to Champion. Now ‘champ’ thought he was the shit, but there’s a lot he doesn’t know about pleasing Missy... yeah. Brandon’s penny-pinching nature did not even annoy me; his smashing ability to save me dosh made me even more keen to wake up to him morning after morning, groaning all the way. Let us now numerically express his pros and cons.

Attractiveness of Pack- Masculine, solid, sturdy- there’s no pansy shit here. ‘I am cigarettes hear me roar’ is what is expressed in this bulk-sized mighty rugged pack. Blue dictates the strength of the fag, and as I have previously said I greatly appreciate this no beating around the bush shit. Not glamorous, not stunning, not overtly pretty, just straight up hello take me and roll with me. Average yes, mediocre no. 3 out of 5 mal

Smoothness and Flavour- Flavour lacks a little zing, but coming off the back of rollies this is very understandable. Smooth enough to wipe your ass with however. Vroom. 3.5 out 5

“I feel so cold but my nipples aren’t stiff” *pulls down top to look.
“STOP!” *covers breasts with hands “we’re in the religious community!!” –Hunter

Nice.

Burning Time- Disgraceful actually. AGAIN following rollies v understandable, but come on. Man up. But that all said I’m not really used to a man hanging around for much longer than a handshake really. Sigh. 1 out of 5.

Lingering Taste- satisfying really, and the satisfaction continues on for several minutes, maybe even 12. Of course the ease of access to tailored cigarettes means it is a rarity that I don’t follow one cigarette with another, but if I try try try I can appreciate the remaining flavour of the previous cigarette. Hmmph 3 out of 5 malignant tumours.

AVERAGE SCORE FOR BRANDON BLUE- 2.625..
Well average yes, for a tailored, but the subtle step-up in society and proof of my increasing financial means (even though surely it should not be spent..) had me riding a happy horse in the fair.

Well now after a mediocre coffee and an unhappy tummy I am feeling like a nap not narrating my bullshit mind.

So I shall leave you here in the dim evening light rather than continue unravelling the threads of my ramshackled mind.

Get ma stitches out tomorrow, may my recovery continue to be as smooth and bountiful as it has been thus far. Can’t wait to start um reaping the benefits. Or at least wander from this drought-filled desert past the oasis of 2nd base.. oh.

Ex..M.